Your Best Year!

In just a few days, it will be 2009. I’ve never believed in making resolutions for the New Year. What I like to do instead is set goals, both long-term and short-term. These are usually in several categories.

My favorite book for this is Your Best Year Yet! by Jinny S. Ditzler. It’s just a little paperback that asks ten questions “for making the next twelve months your most successful ever.” I’ve used it for the past eight years, not only for myself but with my students.

This book can be used in any area of your life, from income to relationships to self-esteem. One reason I love this book is that it starts out with looking at what you accomplished over the past year. This acknowledges the positive aspects of your life rather than just those things that didn’t work out.

At the end of just a few hours you end up with a one-page summary of your plan for the next year. They become your own words of wisdom for the year. If you want to try it, click on the book here.



What does this have to do with Fanny’s mission on this blog?

I believe we cannot attract the kind of relationship we want until we are willing to do some work on our own personal growth. We may think we know what we want for our life, but until it is written down with a bit of structure and planning, it goes nowhere. We cannot leave our love life up to chance.

If you are already in a good relationship, this kind of exercise can help to change it from merely “good” to “great!” That’s something we all deserve!

May you create joy and abundance in all things this next year!

I’m off to work on my own 2009 goals!

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny

HO! HO! HO!

I hope your Santa is good tonight -

And leaves your fanny

nice and bright!

Bah! Humbug!

There is a funny cartoon about two beautiful tree ornaments discussing the stockings over the mantle. One says, “I’ve heard they are really hung!” Well, I suppose a hung stocking is better than one that is not hung. What do you think?

On a slightly more serious tone, what do you want to find in your stocking this holiday? Is that different from what you expect to get in your stocking?

I know what I want – I’d like my SO to be able to be here with me over the holidays. What I expect I’ll get is “ashes and switches” (oh my!), because I don’t always act very nice about him not being here. As grateful as I am to have him in my life, I still get pissy when he is obligated to be somewhere else instead of here with me, especially over holidays.

There are several very funny video clips going around about how men don’t always give the right gift at Christmas. I remember getting a mixer one Christmas from a husband. He couldn’t understand why I was a little upset, even though I needed the mixer. We women can be a funny lot, don’t you think?

Then there was the opposite gift from my second husband that he paid $60 for at Victoria’s Secret. It was a flimsy red, see-through shorty nighty with fluff around the bottom and a few spaghetti straps here and there – something that anyone who really knows me would exclaim how inappropriate it was. As it turned out, he enjoyed wearing it a whole lot more than I did! (Yes, you heard that right!)

For me, the message is not about receiving diamonds or jewelry of any kind, but about a gift that reflects a little thought – a gift that indicates the giver knows who I am really. The fluffy red costume showed a total lack of that understanding.

There are no material presents that can make up for the lack of your lover’s presence, however, no matter how understanding s/he may be.

So I’m having a difficult time getting into the spirit of Christmas this year. I put a red candle in the middle of my table, bought a beautiful poinsettia, and put a snowman mobile at my front door. Other than that, I didn’t put up any decorations.

Although I do feel a bit of the old "Bah! Humbug!" I know better than to sit home and mope. As I drive around, the lights on the homes of other people help to buoy up my spirits. I put my Christmas CDs on, turn up the volume, and play them so I can listen to them outside and anywhere else in the house. I’ll go to several parties that friends are having, and get dressed up.

By the time I write my next post, Christmas will be over and we’ll be looking toward 2009. In the meantime, I’d love to know what you want for Christmas, as well as what you expect, and the reason for the difference.

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~

Fanny

You're All I Want for Christmas....!

I imagine many of you are stressed out over doing your Holiday shopping. Therefore, I’ve created a list that will help you click off what you need to buy for yourself or that significant other in your life! Many of these items can be purchased online. Others can be non-tangible and presented in a nice free card from Naughty Cards that can express your sentiments in just the…uh, naughtiest way!

• How about starting out the season with satin sheets – RED to match the season? They have other colors and sizes, too.

• If you have the money to spare, how about a secret renewal to his prescription of Cialis, Viagra, or Levitra? According to my unbiased personal research, Cialis is better than the others. No! I do not benefit financially by your use of this, but your love life will benefit.

• How about a box of condoms? Make up a box of different kinds and have fun trying out the different ones. Any size will do, actually. Once, a guest speaker for my human sexuality class took a “small” condom and blew it up into a balloon that was about 18” in diameter, then said, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you it’s too small or not big enough!” Good lesson!

• Promise a simple sexy candlelight meal with the kids farmed out for the evening. Send them to a friend’s and offer to return the favor.

• I think the local prostitutes are missing an opportunity to offer gift cards. If you know some of the more reputable ones, ask about it! And ask if you can go along to watch! (giggle)

• In that same vein, how about a gift card for a professional massage, either alone or with you. I know a few massage therapists who would love to give a massage to a couple at the same time.

• Speaking of massages, how about offering a gift of giving your lover a massage yourself? Go take lessons, if you need to, but most of us know how to give a good sensual massage. There are good books on this, if you feel a little hesitant about your abilities.

• If you are looking for a different way to spend the holidays, don’t stay home and shovel snow (hire a neighbor kid to do that). Read through this book together and find a nude beach or resort where you can enjoy the sun in all your glory. I love this kind of gift!!

• One of my favorite gifts would be a pedicure at the local beauty salon. I had my very first pedicure EVER this past summer. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven! This is not a gift just for the women, by the way. My pedicurist says that she gives them to men all the time. They come in with tired, calloused feet and she really pampers them.

• If you are single (or wishing you were), give yourself the gift of a membership in one of the many dating sites listed at the bottom of this page. There are sites to fit every need, from “just a friend” to more edgy stuff.

• For you alone, or you with one other, or many others, check out some of these wonderful sex toys. Then go play with them throughout the holidays and 2009!

• You can find just about anything you like at Amazon - from sex toys to satin sheets to books on masturbation! And if you get bored with sex, you can always just curl up with a good book! Check out the link on this page for an Amazon gift card.

• I’m sure I’ve forgotten many of the other things you can give, but you all have creative minds, I’m sure. Most of all, I want to remind you to give yourself and each other the gift of time! This can mean quality time together, or time spent alone recuperating from a hectic year. Trust me, time will go by much faster than you realize. Don’t miss a single minute of it!

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny

Pearl Harbor Commemoration

Today marks another anniversary of the bombing at Pearl Harbor. I had no problem in finding a connection between the intentions of this blog and that event, an event that ushered the United States into a second World War that was already going on in Europe. Prostitution immediately came to mind.

While I was doing the research I needed to write this, there were several issues that surfaced. While prostitution is an “evil corruption” in the minds of most people, there is a subtle change during wartime – or maybe it’s not so subtle.

During war, it becomes a lucrative industry because, after all, we need to give the troops something to live for, we need a way to take care of a man’s needs, we need to let the men have their fun, and even provide it for them - don't we? Not only that, as long as a virile young man is away from his family, having prostitutes around keep these men from latching on to the more “respectable” women. This seems to go back to the "raping and pillaging" of olden times.

When women wanted to join the WAACs (Women's Army Auxiliary Corps), the rumors started to fly that they were all either lesbians or prostitutes. Any Army man caught dating a WAAC was immediately and automatically given medical treatment.

One article I found stated: “In WWII Hawaii, prostitutes were inspected by the vice squad, licensed, and given a strict set of rules (the breaking of which resulted in a severe beating by police).” If you have an interest in this topic, I highly recommend this article. It goes into the legality of brothels, quotas for servicing the servicemen, and rates to be charged.

Victory Girls, Khaki-Wackies, and Patriotutes: The Regulation of Female Sexuality During World War II is a book I tried to find for this post, but my local library didn’t have it. If you can find it, the book would probably be worth a read for those of us who are interested. The title alone sounds like fun. Here are two quotes from the book that I did find online. I don't know the exact pages, but I can give credit to the author, Marilyn E. Hegarty.

“During World War II, prostitutes and many waitresses were required to carry health cards that stated they were free of venereal diseases.”

“Apparently it was not always necessary for a woman to be unescorted or to be displaying blatant sexual availability to be viewed with suspicion.”

I cannot leave the Pacific Rim without mentioning another controversial practice. I have seen estimates that range from 100,000 to 400,000 women who were taken as sex slaves and forced to service as many as fifty Japanese soldiers a day during the war. At least 80-90% were from Korea. These women were euphemistically called “comfort women.” The soldiers would go to “comfort houses” maintained by the Japanese government.

I have a Korean colleague who refuses to call them “comfort women.” She said, “Let’s call them what they were – sex slaves.” Song of the Exile is an excellent novel by Kiana Davenport that focuses on one Korean-Hawaiian woman and her painful life during that period of time.

Meanwhile, on the mainland of the United States, Tampa, Florida became an important staging ground during World War II, and became famous for its prostitution and venereal disease. In the spring of 1943, Florida passed laws prohibiting prostitution and pre-marital sex. I suppose the assumption was that if you were not married and having sex, you were a prostitute! If a woman was thought to be “immoral,” she was grabbed and given an invasive vaginal examination.

In the European Theater of World War II, the Nazi state forced prostitution in order that the German soldiers could be sexually satisfied. It is estimated that a minimum of 34,140 women from occupied states were forced to work as prostitutes during the Third Reich in the camp bordellos or confiscated hotels. These were known as German Soldier's Houses.

So where am I going with this fragmented history? One instructor states that “today we condemn female prostitutes without acknowledging that a large tourist and military presence supports sexual services.”

While I do not condone forced prostitution, I do believe that those who engage in sex as a career need some sort of health care regulations in order to reduce the rate of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. We need to create a supportive environment for these workers (women and men) that provides them with legal, economic and social services.

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny

From Aging to AIDS

Last week, I talked about “Geriatric Sex” and received some interesting emails about it. I’ve been given permission to share these with you.

One comment comes from a man in Florida. He says:

"According to my urologist, the older men get, they seem to require oral sex (fellatio) from their partner not only to get an erection, but to keep it.

"Getting an erection is not as hard for us older men, as keeping it sufficiently for penetration into the vagina or if there is penetration, it's still important to keep an erection long enough to have satisfactory coitus and that's not so easy for us older men. Viagra, Levitra and Cialis help, of course, but not always.

"There is, of course, lots of good sex that does not necessarily need vaginal sexual intercourse and yet, Fanny, for a man, it's important, psychologically to be able to perform it; and that's true even if the man is receiving fellatio from his partner."

From another email:

"I imagine you can figure out that I think women who are older than I am are truly sexy and enticing. And I love intelligent women. I am mostly through with much of my kinky times (I don't have anyone with whom to engage in such stuff) but it's still interesting to look at some of the sites." [Was he talking about me and my blog site??]

And I received a little poem:

"The kink that was in me seems to be spent
Since my get-up and go, just got up and went
It might be dear Fanny, that you are much older
But you and your friend are considerably bolder
Yet maybe one day, I shall have me some luck
And meet a wild woman to give my whatchit a suck.
Or perhaps, it'll turn out to be a long time
And I think that it's best that I just end this rhyme."

I imagine many older men (and women) feel much the same way. My response is that no one should EVER be "through" with kinky times. I suspect I'm much older than most of you reading this blog (and so is my lover) and we are both still kinky. Having someone to do kink with is key, I think. If you think you’re too old, maybe it's time you found someone to suck on your “whatchit” and get you back into kink!

Sucking a “whatchit” goes both ways, don’t forget!

Others reminded me of the article in The Salon a couple of years ago by Liz Langley about sex and the much older generation. I’ve kept that article in my files ever since it came out and I use it with my college class on human sexuality. The “over 50” population is one of the most rapidly growing in the HIV/AIDS epidemic.

WHY, you may ask (especially if you are way under 50)?

Well, there are several reasons. Old guys who couldn’t keep it up before, even if they could get it up to begin with, have suddenly been given the wonders of the “little pill” to help out. Now they are running around the nursing homes or the “Gray Ghetto” neighborhoods and having a barrel of fun. A lot of them are finding healthy younger women who want a Sugar Daddy. Both men and women think they are immune from what they consider a “gay disease,” or that they are too old.

There is another reason for an increase in AIDS in older folks. Most men and women who love people of the same gender have had to keep quiet about their sexual preference and suddenly it is not such a taboo topic. They are able to be open about their sexuality – and act upon it.

As Ms. Langley quoted in her article, “Now, if you can get it up, cover it up.” (Said by Jane Fowler in reference to Bob Dole and his ads for Viagra.) It is imperative for even the geriatric set to learn the necessity of using a condom.

As Ice T said, “AIDS is such a scary thing and it's also the kind of thing that you think won't happen to you. It can happen to you and it's deadly serious.”

There is one quote that absolutely fries my groin and that comes from the late Jerry Falwell. “AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”

I agree with Calvin Klein more, when he said “AIDS is an absolutely tragic disease. The argument about AIDS' being some kind of divine retribution is crap.”

Perhaps Susan Sontag sums it up best of all: “AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences: suicide. Or murder."

I end with this plea. On December 1, World AIDS Day, urge President-elect Obama to continue to fund HIV/AIDS programs. So go to this site and sign the petition, please.

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~ ~
Fanny

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

May your "center" be as deep and colorful

as the center of this hibiscus.

Be grateful for all you have

and all you don't have

that you thought you needed.

Be generous with those who have too little

and tolerant of those who have too much.

Allow the spirit of gratitude show

in every act of your day.

YES!

Especially "that" act!

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~

Fanny

Geriatric Sex

Well, it’s Fabulous Fanny, here again with answers for your questions about sex.

I’ve recently had quite a few emails asking about sex for older people. This came as a response from my questions last week about losing your virginity. Most of them said it had happened so long ago that they couldn’t remember. I have a hard time remembering that, myself, and I’m not that old!

So back to sex in older people. I think sometimes it’s difficult for younger people to imagine their parents, or grandparents doing the nasty. After all, aren’t they over that? Shouldn’t grandma be in the kitchen and grandpa out playing golf? At best, aren’t they out dancing to a Lawrence Welk type band?

Not so fast there, you young sprouts. Think about yourself! Would you want to stop having sex just because you get a little older? If you enjoy it now, what makes you think you won’t enjoy it as you get older, too?

Oh, I know that some of you think the bodies of older people aren’t as limber as yours and therefore they can’t really get into that kind of activity. The surprise is that having sex tends to help keep them limbered up. There is absolutely no reason not to continue enjoying what you love doing for as long as you want to do it.

You’ve heard the myths, I’m sure, and those keep being perpetuated by people who don’t really know.

For example, you hear that a man can’t get it up after a certain age. That is only partially true, because not getting it up (or keeping it up) can be from some other medical problem. But I know many men who can still get a healthy erection well into their 70s and 80s, and beyond.

For those who don’t have the physical ability, but still have the libido, there are meds, more commonly known as “the little blue pill” or even “the little yellow pill.” They do work wonders. The blue pill does help with maintaining an erection, but it’s fairly short-acting. The latest (and best) is the yellow pill. It works for up to 72 hours.

Now that doesn’t mean a man keeps an erection for 72 hours! Lordy, no! What it means is that it gives him the ability to have sex whenever he feels the desire during that period of time. It takes a lot of the “planning” out of it and gives room for more spontaneity.

I just love spontaneity, don’t you?

Of course, if someone simply isn’t turned on, neither of these pills will work. The pills only work if you are turned on to begin with, and they help you keep it up.

This is where your partner comes in. It’s up to the other person in this relationship, to get the man turned on. We need to make sure he has a reason to want to take one of those little blue or yellow pills!

There’s another ugly rumor going around that women lose interest in sex during their menopausal years. I believe there are many women who do lost interest, but it’s a two-way street. If we reject our partners every time they make an overture, they’ll soon quit asking, and will start to look elsewhere.

If you want to keep your man from wandering, you’d better get interested again, and FAST. I know it can be too easy to get side-tracked into playing bridge, or shopping, or baking cookies for the grandchildren. But nowhere is it written that we are good for nothing more than that after a certain age.

Perhaps we think we are no longer attractive with our wrinkles and stretch marks. Maybe we have put on a little weight and think we cannot be appealing. Or maybe our mothers told us that once our child-bearing years were over that sex should stop.

Don’t believe that for a single second!

The best way for you to get interested in sex again is to think “SEX.” Get out of your cookbooks and into a little pornography. Can you truthfully say that a good sexy novel or picture or movie doesn’t get your juices flowing even a little bit?

I enjoy looking at “dirty pictures” with my partner. In fact, we share what we find with each other. It’s just one more way to let each other know what really does turn us on.

I leave you with that little bit of advice for now. I’m sure there will be more to come in my next post. Please just stop stereotyping the “blue rinse set.”

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~

Fanny

A New Direction

After thirty posts, I’ve noticed a trend in who reads these posts, and how people respond. Therefore (tah dah!) I’m heading in a little different direction. Because I get most of my responses via email, I get very few public comments on the post itself. That’s just fine, except that I think other people would also enjoy knowing what is being said by uh…other people. (big eye roll here)

Also, I started this mostly as an “advice” blog, but advice is appropriate mostly for my college students. They bombard me with questions, which I love answering. They are so eager to learn, but not about sex per se.

They are curious about what’s right, what’s not so right, how far can they go in being “perverted,” how to let someone know they are interested without being considered “brazen” or too forward. They want to know how to handle a boyfriend or girlfriend who either wants too much sex or not enough. They ask questions about breast implant, and why a young guy can lose an erection so quickly.

You know the sort of things they ask! We’ve all been there, and maybe we still are. Even at my age, it’s hard to know the best way to let someone know they turn me on! But I’m also extremely shy, which is probably why I feel I can open up more online.

So maybe this is a good place to ask how my readers would answer some of these questions.

At times, I might give you my own thoughts about the topic, then open it up each week to those of you who come here regularly (or irregularly). At other times, I may simply ask the question and see where it goes, then comment afterward.

What you have to say here will also help my students in their quest for answers. For example, even though many of them have already been sexually active from an early age, they want to know if they are unique or if they are about average.

So my question for the week is this: At what age did you lose your virginity, and was the experience traumatic or pleasurable? Any other comments you want to add to this will be appreciated by some very randy boys and girls in my classes.

Your responses will be kept anonymous, so please let me know how you want your comments to be marked. I will compile the answers and give a report. If you don’t say anything, I won’t have anything to report, so please show us your best answers.

I blow you a kiss,
Fanny

Election Wet Dreams

Who among us hasn’t had fantasies of at least one celebrity?

Years ago, in my young adult days, when everyone else had a crush on Elvis, my personal heartthrob was Harry Belefonte. Not only did I fantasize with him in mind and heart, but he actually showed up in some of my nighttime dreams. Even today, when he and I are both older (by many years), I can get turned on by him.

Believe it or not, another fantasy I had was good old Popeye! He was strong, and he could slay the dragons of any girl’s heart. And when he popped open that can of spinach, and his muscles grew, I could just imagine the testosterone that was flowing through his skinny body.

Who said cartoons were for kids??

Just for a few minutes, think about the one who has been your fantasy celebrity (or maybe more than one), and what you imagine yourself doing with that person. I’ll wait while you indulge yourself in a little decadent fantasy here.

Go put on some nice sexy music while you fantasize. Get dressed (or undressed). Have fun!

(pause)

Okay, that’s long enough!

Now, let’s get back to the elections for just a couple more minutes. This is an equal opportunity blog, so we’ll consider all four of the final candidates, and you might want to even consider others who didn’t make the final cut. I have my favorites there, too.

I have a male friend who is absolutely besotted with Sarah Palin, even though he doesn’t agree with her politics. She turns him on in a big way, although to be honest, she doesn’t do a damned thing for me!

So if you are a heterosexual man reading this, you might have been fantasizing about Madam Sarah. I’m sure you aren’t the only man in the world who fantasizes about her. ‘Fess up now!

Of course, you could be a man of either persuasion and find yourself fantasizing about any of the other candidates. There is something quite sexy about all three of the final candidates. Or maybe even Sarah’s Dude? He is rather cute, huh? Or maybe the scared future son-in-law who knocked up the daughter?

But let’s stick to the Big Four for purposes of this post.

McCain has been more handsome in the past, I think. I knew about him when I spent a few years living in Arizona, and he was a hunk then. Campaigning did a number on him, and it wasn’t good. But nevertheless, I’ve heard he cuts quite a figure with the old blue rinse set in Arizona.

Frankly, I think Biden might have more potential in a fantasy scene than McCain. He has that twinkle in his eye that is very suggestive, don’t you think? He’s not nearly as old, and things might still work a bit better (especially with that little blue pill – or the little yellow one).

And then there’s the new president-elect. In a way, he reminds me of a political Harry Belafonte, especially in his more casual moments. Whether or not you agree with his politics, he’ll be much nicer to watch in the news than our Current Occupant. I like it when he smiles, and I know he’s devoted to his wife. (And isn’t SHE a hunk!?)

Well, dream on, girls and boys! There are a few of the original contestants for the highest office in our country who would make a nice fantasy lover. I suppose I’ve thought about the abilities of every single one of them in some way or another. And that’s a nice fantasy in itself. Maybe a political orgy??

No, I’m not going to tell you which one I fantasize about most! I think I’ll stick with Popeye. He’s the only one who doesn’t seem to age – and oh, what that spinach can do!

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny

VOTE!

Get a Free Sex Toy when you vote???

Hallelujah!

Amen!

Check out this website right away.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27455136/

I don’t know if these will be given out where you vote, but who knows??
Stranger things have happened!

Be sure to keep your “I VOTED” sticker.
Show it at some of the places listed in this article.

Many issues we sex bloggers have will be at stake!

So the main thing is this…

VOTE!!

(Check out www.carryabigsticker.com)

The Dark

I wanted to do something special for Halloween, but I’m writing this on November 1, All Saints’ Day, and you’ll probably read it on November 2. Each of these festival days can be wrapped up together in Samhain (pronounced SOW-in, where “ow” rhymes with “cow” and means “summer’s end” in Irish Gaelic).

If you knew what I know about the sex lives of some of the saints, you’d be surprised. I won’t let you in on their secrets this time, however – maybe next year. So since Samhain is generally celebrated from October 31 through November 5), I can legitimately discuss it in this post.

It is said that the veil between this earth and “the other side” is the thinnest at this time. The spirits cross into our world and cause all sorts of mischief. And if you don’t know what kind of mischief to get into, then I’m afraid I can’t help you. Do you really need suggestions?

It might help your imagination to know that traditionally, Samhain is a night when the High Priestess and High Priest perform the Great Rite. In a ritual, he dips his knife into her chalice. (blush) This may be done symbolically, but it is also carried out in reality as they proceed to have sexual intercourse on the altar.

Oh my! Have you ever fantasized about having sex on an altar? I actually have had sex on an altar, but I’ll save that story for another time. So go set up an altar in the middle of a meadow somewhere and get to it!

In the Celtic lands, the whole idea of dressing up in costume during this season began as cross-dressing. Of course, in Scotland the men wore kilts anyway, so the point was moot. I’ve always loved the idea of men in skirts (and women in trousers). That will be the topic of a future blog, I’m sure. Here is my closest friend in his kilt, a handsome divil!



During Samhain, the Dark Goddess, or the Crone, descends into all women. Last week I talked about my fascination with Lilith. In some lists, She is considered one of the many Dark Goddesses. When Lilith’s spirit descends into me, she reminds me that I, too, am one of the Crones. She helps me transition from a past life into a future one. She encourages me to look inside myself for those aspects of “me” that I never would show to anyone else ordinarily.

We don’t like using the word “Crone” much because it makes us think we are “old” and look like a hag. The Crone has become the modern day “witch.” But in ancient times, it was the third aspect of the Pagan Triple Goddess, and to be a Crone was to be honored and respected for your wisdom and insight.

I may be a Crone, but I feel like I become more sexual and sensual as I grow older, and all because of Lilith, my dark and powerful Crone Goddess. She transforms me into a wise, lovely, and sexy older woman. She helps me to break out of the restrictions of my past. That’s what Samhain was always about, and we women have had that taken away from us.

What are your restrictions? What boundaries do you want to break through this next year? Find your own Dark Goddess and let Her guide you through the Dark Mysteries.

There is a lot of sex magick waiting to be performed at this time of year, so let the sexual magick begin!

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~ ~

Fanny

In the Spirit of Lilith

Lilith first came to me through a Jewish friend almost twenty years ago. I had expressed some of my sexual desires to her and the problems I thought I had with relationships. Typically, I’ve been too strong for most of the men I bring into my life.

In our conversation, my friend looked at me and said, “You are Lilith.” I had no idea who she was talking about at the time, but the concept sounded erotic and exciting.

Since then, I have read everything I could about Lilith, and I share her with you as your own personal Goddess.

Some of the Jewish mystical texts say that Lilith was Adam’s first wife. According to the legend, Adam wouldn’t let Lilith be on top when they were having sex, because he felt he was superior to her. Lilith claimed that she had been created out of the earth just the same way Adam had, and that made her his equal in all things, including the sex act.

I’m not clear whether Adam kicked her out of the Garden of Eden, or if Lilith just decided to leave and go out into the world on her own. Knowing what I know about her now, I’m sure she just took off on her own. It wouldn’t be like her to have gone just because Adam told her to go.

There are many other stories that have been told about Lilith over the centuries. One says that Adam had gotten tired of coupling with the animals in his herds, so he asked God for another human with whom he could mate. Once again, Lilith wouldn’t accept Adam’s male dominance so she left.

Yet another story says that Lilith and Adam were created as twins, joined at the back. When Lilith was not given the equality she deserved, she left in anger.

Lilith has had a bad rap for thousands of years, as have most women. She represented the evil of sexuality and created great fear in men’s hearts. Any woman who could make a man feel randy, or seduce him into “immoral” acts, had to be evil.

According to some of the stories, she comes to men in their dreams, copulating with them, which makes the men have nocturnal emissions, or “wet dreams.” Naughty Lilith!

There are stories that Lilith killed babies, so new mothers placed amulets around the cribs to protect their newborns from her.

The more I read about Lilith, the more I did not believe the stories about her. On the contrary, she came to represent my own lusty character. Lilith gave me permission to be more sexually alive without shame.

Throughout my teen years, I walked the line between being a “good girl” and a “bad girl.” The “bad girl” wanted more time, but the “good girl” kept me in line. She wasn’t always successful, but I paid the price.

As I became an adult, I continued being the “good girl” on the outside, but inside, my “bad girl” was rebelling loudly. Even marriage couldn’t contain the “bad girl,” and like Lilith, I finally ran away. I began to understand the darkness in my soul that drove me to living out my “bad girl” without being disgraced.

I can’t begin to tell you everything about Lilith here. Please go to www.lilithinstitute.com and look at all the work there. I suggest that you read Liturgy for Lilith by Cosi Fabian for a beautiful ode to this incredibly sexy lady, with the free-flowing hair, big breasts, and insatiable sex drive.

If you can identify with Lilith as much as I do, there are a couple books I recommend you read to learn more. The first is Lilith's Fire by Deborah Grenn-Scot that is about Lilith only. The second book, The Dark Archetype, discusses other dark goddesses and gods, which includes Lilith. Both are fascinating to read.





Watch for Lilith to appear again next week. I’ve decided that Fanny's "bad girl" is tame compared to Lilith. Maybe I should change my name to Lilith!

I blow you a kiss ~ ~

Fanny

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What Kind of Writer Am I?

On a blog I regularly read, the question was “What type of writer should you be?” There was a brief survey that I filled in and this is what I discovered.

You Should Be a Film Writer!

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

I have never really thought about what kind of writer I am or should be. Mostly, I just write what I’m thinking about, and that can be dangerous territory. I suggest that you check out the website and look at some of their other surveys.

For instance, there is a survey to see if you would be a good wife or husband, to find out if you are a physical flirt, and are you in love?

I haven’t bothered with the one that asks if I’m an attention whore. I already know I am not, although I would like to be!

Maybe I will consider writing film noir and focus on sexual fantasies and other moral ambiguities. That’s where my head is most of the time.

Now I can fill my head with my new designation! Anyone want to star in my next film?

(Laughing hysterically here)

Ever since I found out that I am a “film writer,” I’ve had a lot of scenarios go through my head. Most of them take off from my blog a couple weeks ago. I’ve also been reading up on How to Write A Movie in 21 Days. It's an old book, but still excellent material.



I’d love to see what kind of spin some of you would put on my fantasies to make them into a good film. Help me out here! Since my SO is out of town for another week or so, I need some stimulation!

I blow you a kiss,

Fanny

The Role of Fantasy

Last week I had fun thinking up a few combination fantasy locations. I’ve had some great comments from that post, and I have to admit that some of those ideas I wrote about were a bit titillating for me, too.

Questions always seem to come up about the role of fantasy in our lives, and whether it is a good idea to make our fantasies become reality. What a dull world this would be if we never fantasized, but what a dangerous world this could be if we actually acted out some of our fantasies.

Why do we fantasize? Is there some sort of psychological need in us that creates fantasies that we might never really want to happen? Fantasy is a safe way to release our culturally repressed tendencies, a way for certain hidden desires to emerge from within a moralistic society. It performs a therapeutic function.

The reasons for fantasy do not seem to be the same for both genders. I have read that men who fantasize generally do not have much of an actual sex life, if any. Women who fantasize, on the other hand, usually have a fairly active sex life. We women can come up with all sorts of stories to fan our fire into greater flame.

Women may fantasize about being raped (which does not mean they want to be, nor does it condone rape). In their minds, they get turned on about being seduced or attacked by someone they don’t know. The woman who has actually been raped will not have that fantasy again, if she ever did.

On Father’s Day, I talked about the fantasy some women have about being “Daddy’s Little Girl.” Some men fantasize about being Mommy’s or Daddy’s "Little Boy.”

One woman came to me as a client, saying she always fantasized about being the maid in someone’s home and that the master of the house always had his way with her, often spanking her for some misdeed. She thought maybe something was wrong with her, and I assured her she was quite normal.

Some women go beyond spanking and fantasize about being tied down and rendered helpless, and may have a partner who agrees to that sort of sexual play, complete with appropriate costuming. Along with that might come the fantasy of being flogged or whipped.

This could border on abuse if not entered into with caution and consent. In fact, the key for this type of fantasy play is “safe, sane, and consensual.” There are a number of books and websites where you can find more information, discuss the topic with others in “the scene,” explore your feelings, and so much more.

Years ago, I happened to run across an old book with a copyright of 1974, S-M The Last Taboo: A Study of SadoMasochism, by Gerald and Caroline Greene. My copy is well-worn, falling apart, and full of termite holes. Because it was written thirty-four years ago, I assumed it was no longer in print. On a fluke, I went to Amazon and found that there is a newer edition. The opening picture is the front cover of that edition.

The following link will take you to a page for the old edition, but if you scroll down just a little, you will see “also available in…” Click on the second line for the paperback (2nd Blue Moon Books Ed.) and it will take you to the page for the newer 2003 edition.

The Greene couple have done a thorough and fascinating study on this theme of Sado-Masochism, which I will refer to as “s-m.” Although my old copy does not have a bibliography, the text is full of cited quotes from scholastic authorities.

They have devoted one entire chapter to Havelock Ellis (1859-1939). Ellis covered this topic of s-m in many of his papers. One such was a “Love and Pain” monograph, clearly distinguishing between fantasy and reality. The Wikipedia article about him is erotic reading in itself.

Why do I have such a dearly loved moth-eaten book? I have to admit that whether or not I would ever enter into such a relationship, reading about it is exceedingly arousing for me. At times my imagination takes me to places of incomprehensible delight (blush).

The last 122 pages of their book is devoted to extracts from many books that had been censored at one time. According to the authors, “they mostly employ fantasy and are unashamed in their delight…” Those are the most worn pages in my old copy.

There are many books on this particular theme of s-m, but I want to recommend several books by John Warren, PhD. If you are interested in buying one, please click on these links.



May you enjoy all of these books on a lazy afternoon and be "unashamed in your delight!"

I blow you a kiss,
Fanny

Dream Fantasies

Today is my birthday! No, I’m not going to tell you how old I am, but I can bet my bottom. . . uh, dollar I’m older than you!

So on my birthday, I’d like to indulge in fantasy. This time, my fantasies are not about what sort of kinky thing I’m going to do either with someone else or alone.

This time, my fantasies are about kinky places I’d like to live.

Fantasies are like this golden glow on Lake Powell at sunset. They are real, but illusive and often fleeting. Maybe someday one of my fantasies will come true – and I don’t think I’d be there alone!

My brother and I can talk about almost anything – and we do. He came up with a wonderful mini-proposal for a nude farming polyamorous co-op. Let’s see, does that mean we’d all run around in the nude, planting potatoes and feeding the chickens, having more than one lover? I haven’t quite figured out how the co-op part fits in, but I imagine he’ll explain it to me.

How about a surfing diaper-lover organic restaurant? All the surfer dudes and dudettes would be wearing organic cotton diapers while they serve homegrown food to patrons.

Or an S/m peacenik orchard? The highway sign would sport a body tied to a cherry tree (a bit of symbolism there, huh?) while the locals wave peace signs at passers-by and invite them in to sample the . . . um. . . fruit.

Maybe an island bar for aging Scots? All the old folks (male and female) wear kilts in the traditional style while they drink and cavort around the island.

There should be a retreat location created for cross-dressing fetishist dog trainers. (Don’t ask.)

Or perhaps a Greek-style swingers health spa? We would all have Greek-style sex with other members while we wait our turn for a healthy colon cleansing in the sunning booth, drinking ginger tea.

I suspect there are many who would go for a thong orgy golf course. There would be a country club connected to it for special dances and parties when the awards were given out for the most revealing thong, as well as the lowest golf score.

Someone might enjoy a fantasy community with a public spanking bench where folks of either gender are disciplined by the Head of their Household and others who choose to help with the administration.

When choosing the nursing home for my old age, I’d like to be cared for by nude and virile young men and women of all sizes and shapes. If I got bored with the TV reruns, I would have them perform for me.

I’ve often thought about establishing a Home for Broken Down Broads. Aging prostitutes and dirty old men and women could gather for fun and games. Payment for “services” could be with Monopoly money so that those of us on Social Security could afford it.

There is definitely a place for a village where everyone could play whatever role they wanted – Doctor/patient, Daddy/little girl, Policeman/jaywalker, Teacher/student – all dressed their part. An endless list of role playing!

In any of these neighborhoods we would need to make sure there was an adult toy store, a porn movie house, a fetish clothing shop, and an animal shelter. All of these sites would give us access to horse-back riding, fresh milk and eggs, and plenty of farming areas. We would need to be self-sufficient, because an outside world would either avoid us completely, send local authorities after us, or beat a path to our door for entrance.

Please, please let your imaginations run wild and send me your suggestions. I’ll do whatever I can to make your fantasies come true – at least on this blog!

In the meantime, please support the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom. We all are being fingered (so to speak) for sexual acts far more benign than the fantasies I’ve created here.

I blow you a kiss,
Fanny

The Current Issue

As I write this blog for posting tonight, I want to remind you to vote in the Primary Election! I voted early this morning, and out of that exercise came this particular post. Some people may think I have no business getting political in a blog about sex matters, but in this case, it’s time we understand how closely the two are related. I’m feeling it at a gut level.

I’m disgusted with the hype around “the current issue” and her family. I won’t dwell on it, because I don’t want to give her that much energy or time. I do suggest that you read blogs that go into it quite well. I won’t add to the numbers, but I encourage you to be a critical thinker in this election.

So in that spirit, I offer you several links. Please read them! Most relate to our interest in sex and sexuality in some tangential way. No matter which political party you support, the “current issue” must surely be against what we sexophiles stand for – freedom.

Greta Christina writes a wonderful blog on sex toys and issues. I highly recommend one of her recent posts. After you read that, you may want to subscribe for the latest and greatest in toys (fanning myself here).

An article on www.alternet.org indirectly relates to my current issue. Margot Canaday of The Nation talks about how the sodomy laws came into being. It was not about being gay or lesbian, but about any act that was not for procreation. That seems to come under the heading of “no form of birth control for teens,” doesn’t it?

Three years ago, The Salon initiated a blog called “The Broadsheet.” It reminds me that gender is political. There is usually one “WTF” post, and recently there has been a regular comment on “The Daily Palin.” Their last issue had an exceptionally good read by Sarah Hepola.

Some of the issues surrounding the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate would be funny, if they weren’t so scary. This article comes from www.ewire.com, a blog on environment, health, science, and technology. It describes the “Rubber Dodo” award given to the woman who is “the current issue.” (At first, I read that as Rubber Dildo! You can tell where my mind is!) No one deserves that award as much as Sarah.

I think the entire world must think the U.S. is nuts! Here is an article from www.care2.com, a news network out of Australia that presents socially conscious news.

Let’s take a quick break from all this insanity and have a really good belly laugh!

Now back to “the current issue.” Visit http://today.msnbc.msn.com/ and click on "Palin reality check" for a truly great story. But hurry! It might be taken off the web in the great cover-up.

Two of my favorite authors and columnists are Anne Lamott and Garrison Keillor. Both have written excellent articles on “the current issue” that were published in The Salon. Keillor’s tongue-in-cheek comments are particularly wonderful.

Lamott’s article expresses my feelings exactly. I’ll conclude this post by saying I agree with her comments below the title of the article.

She says, “How to handle the fury brought on by this election? Register voters, hit the streets, pray. Stop talking about her. Talk about Obama.”

So I promise this is the last time you’ll hear me rant on about “the current issue.”

Zipping my lip!

How Can I Explain?

I recently was asked how a woman’s brain and body work together. I’ll do my best to answer. This may or may not be brief, but if anyone really wants to know my answer to this question this morning, they will read it through. Because I cannot speak for all women, this will be about me. Still I’m sure many women find themselves in the same place.

How often I have said that I am a complicated person. I’ve known that all along. I have a hunch this is fairly typical of most women, which is why men say they will never understand us.

For me, sex can be either strictly physical, or it can be a combination of physical and psychological or emotional. Fortunately, during my single years, I learned how to make it more strictly physical, so I wouldn’t get hurt emotionally. I was ready to give it up entirely because I was tired of the “game.”

Then my lover came along – and out of the blue, sex became both physical and psychological/emotional again – for better or worse. It is scary to be so vulnerable.

There are times when I am overwhelmed with a sexual need, and it’s not just when we get together after being apart for several weeks. He likes to refer to it as a "virgin" quality. Sometimes that raw sexual need comes after he’s been here a couple days, and has nothing to do with not being "used" for a while.

It also comes when he is not here. That’s masturbation time!

Sometimes when he first gets here, what I really want is for him to hold me tight, caress me, tell me how he’s missed me. That is sexual for me, although not specifically "sex." I need the spoken words more than he does.

I’ve often told clients that there are a million ways to make love – sex is only one! I recently wrote about it in a post. So when we are working together outside or on any project, that (to me) is making love, too. Teaching together, cooking or eating a meal together, all of that is making love.

So back to SEX. Sometimes I like it the way he does - light lubrication, nice erect penis, feeling “taken” in a way, because I love his neediness, and I enjoy responding to it. The goal, however, is not orgasm specifically, but the entire act can be exceptionally satisfying. The same thing happens for him, so I know he understands.

What I need changes, too. Sometimes I need (and crave) a long time in the bed with him slowly fingering me. Sometimes I need (and crave) some of the more kinky ways we play.

The big question comes as to how to let him know when I need a certain style of sex, but the problem is that while I can write it (like here), I am still too shy to tell him what I’m needing. He’s attempting to pull me through that.

He knows the things that turn me on, and in the past, I’ve expected him to just spontaneously provide it. That’s not fair to him, and as a result, sometimes it doesn’t happen.

I know these feelings are not exclusively mine. Others who read it will say, “Oh yes, that’s exactly the way it is.”

I like it all! And whichever way he wants to start is absolutely fine with me! The idea is to just start!

I blow you a kiss ~
Fanny

Gallimaufry

Well, that word should send most of you scrambling for your dictionary!

I’ll save you the trouble. Like my name (Lucette) it originally came from the French. It was a hash made out of meat scraps. That should tell you where my head is today as I write my weekly words.

It’s been “one of those weeks,” kids. I was away at a writers conference for five days and came back to a full schedule that I wasn’t as well prepared for as usual. I take pride in being ready for anything that comes along, but this week clobbered me.

My brain is full of gallimaufry – in its original meaning. An alternate meaning for the word is “miscellany.” So that’s where we’ll go today. Maybe by next week, one distinct flavor will start to emerge from the hash.

What scraps of meat make up my gallimaufry?

The 2008 Erection – I mean Election! I hate to admit that there are some positives about everyone who is running, but that’s the problem. Having “some” positives isn’t enough to excite me about any candidate. I am in great fear and shame for our country. No matter how progressive we may pretend we have become in our thinking, we are still run by those who think any body part below the neck is to be ignored, avoided and labeled obscene. I don’t want to get started on all the election issues I think are crazy!

Sex! Sure I think about sex a lot – what kind, with whom, when, how often, why, and a host of other related questions. I learned long ago not to equate Sex with Love, but I still think about it. Can I love someone without having sex? Of course, but then I wonder “Why bother?” After the orgasm, then what? You need to have a connection of the intelligence, or a shared “cause,” or an activity beyond yourselves. My thoughts run amuck with all these questions.

Kink! Just what, who, where, when, how is “kink”? The word “kink” is basically a noun or an adjective (if you add the “y”). If you want to have some funky fun, look in Roget’s Thesaurus for all the various meanings. Probably every single one of the words listed can be used in a sexual way. Let your mind run away with “bend or twist,” “twisted,” “complication,” “idiosyncrasy,” “bizarre,” “perverted,” and my favorite, “spasm of muscular tissue.” There were 71 different words in my copy of Roget. That’s a lot of ways to have fun!

Television! I have spent most of my many years not watching TV. As a result, I never know where to put my set. Oh yes, I have a TV/VCR combo that I bought a thousand years ago. It’s not a sleek whatever-it-is that’s the newest thing in entertainment. But it serves my purpose (which is nothing). I do use it for watching movies occasionally, or when someone calls me and says there’s something happening I really need to see (like 9/11). I’ve kept it in my bedroom, but I get more pleasure out of other things in my bedroom besides watching TV - like reading, sleeping, dressing and undressing, and sexing. So the TV never is turned on. I recently moved it to my office, across from my computer so I can write and watch at the same time. My two favorite channels are the Weather Channel and the Food Channels. (Wonder what that says about me?) But I forget I have it handy now, and it still doesn’t get turned on much.

NEWS! I read my news online so I don’t watch it on TV, nor do I subscribe to a tangible newspaper. I even subscribe to my local daily newspaper online, rather than let a stack of newsprint accumulate in the corner. “News” isn’t true news, anyway. It only takes us back to an absurd election, a so-called “war” I don’t believe in, sex scandals that aren’t, and silly celebrities. What’s “new” about all that?? I’d rather sit here with my gallimaufry.

Birthdays! I’m the poster girl for Libra. I love any celebration, but who gives a damn about getting older? I’m growing older as gracefully as I possibly can, but there is no graceful way to hide the fact that I’m no longer in my twenties. In many ways, I believe I’m more beautiful and gracious now than when I was in my twenties – and I’m certainly wiser. But one piece of my meat hash is that another birthday will be here and gone by the end of this month.

Relationships! Yes, I’m in one, and with an absolutely wonderful man. We live a thirty-minute plane ride apart and are with each other in person about one week out of every three. That time apart is both Hell and Heaven. I love my time alone, but I miss him like crazy when he’s not here. Will that change? I don’t know, and at this point, it’s not critical. Maybe not living together is the reason we have such a good relationship. The familiarity of living in the same house brings up all sorts of problems that could be avoided.

Gifts! My honey usually sends gifts of fresh produce from his garden or building materials like screws (there seems to be something rather symbolic in that!), but recently he’s started sending me sexy panties! My choice has almost always been more utilitarian, but I’ve learned how to enjoy sexy panties under my conservative work clothes. (sigh) Each day he wants to know the pair du jour.

Well, I’ve had my fill of gallimaufry for now. As I wrote this hash or miscellany, my thoughts began to clear. I’m not as scattered as I was when I started, and I see a post coming in the future out of each of these pieces of meat.

The spices I add will help the flavor.

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny

Who is Guilty?

I love to travel, but one trip I’ve stopped making is the “guilt trip.” Too often I was asked one of these questions or variations of such.

“Don’t you feel guilty about leaving your husband and children?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about quitting that job?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about having an affair?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about____?” You fill in the blanks. We each have our own destination in these trips.

There were two things early on that helped me stop going on those trips just because others thought I should.

The first was something I read by Wayne Dyer years ago, who said that when we’re caught up in our past, we’re feeling “guilt.” Time spent in the past keeps us from being in the now. There is way too much going on in my “now” to feel that guilt.

The second was a sentence in a small book that said guilt was only something we create to make ourselves feel bad, or to punish ourselves. I can’t remember the author, and I’m probably not even remembering it correctly. If I find either of these books I’ll give you the proper quotes another time. It’s the thought behind what both of these men wrote that I want to address.

People I know often wonder aloud why I never feel “guilty” about anything anymore. In fact, I’m more likely to get “Don’t you feel guilty because you don’t feel guilty?” Now that’s a big joke, isn’t it?

There is true guilt, of course. If I kill someone, which I’m not likely to do, I can be put on trial, judged guilty in a court of law, and serve time in prison because of it.

But I'm talking about that false sense of guilt we use to punish ourselves and ultimately project onto others in our lives. In other words, if I feel guilty enough, then I am passing judgment on myself, in case others don’t. That kind of guilt doesn’t solve problems or salve the hurt of others.

So what do we do with all that “guilt?” How can we stop doing that to ourselves? There are several ways we can handle it.

One way, of course, is to continue to punish ourselves, pretending that it will make everything all right if we make ourselves feel badly enough. That solution doesn’t feel good to me at all.

Another way, is to rectify the situation. We can go back and make amends to the ones we’ve hurt, and not do it again. Does this always take care of the situation? No, and sometimes it makes it worse, especially if they don’t know what you’ve done.

Some people repress the memories of it, hoping they’ll eventually forget. That kind of gnawing in our gut doesn’t go away, though, and we wonder why we develop ulcers, or worse. Cancer can result from an untended guilt.

I found that making amends to myself worked for my situation. If I treated others the way I sometimes treat myself, I wouldn’t have many friends left. When I forgive myself for what I supposedly did wrong, I am treating myself the way I would another friend.

I remember a client (I’ll call her May) several decades ago who came to me with all her “guilt.” After letting her vent for a while, I asked her to close her eyes and hold out her hands. I asked her to hold little May in her hands, caress her, love her, forgive her for doing what she did. Slowly I took her back to when she was a little girl. When I said, “Now bring little May up to your heart,” May started sobbing as if her heart had broken.

You might do that for yourself. Close your eyes and hold yourself in your own hands. Talk to the “you” that you hold, forgive “you” of whatever you did, and promise “you” that you don’t hold it against her/him. Speak for those others that “you” hurt, offer their forgiveness as well. It really does work in absentia, in spirit if not in the flesh.

Does all this mean you will never transgress again? Of course not, because we are human. But we have a choice. We can either permit all that guilt to eat us alive and prevent us from having an enjoyable life, or we can forgive ourselves for what cannot be undone and get on with life.

You bet I’ve done things I wish I hadn’t done, or that hurt other people, and I’m sure I’ll probably do it again. In the meantime, I don’t let it ruin my life. I can’t undo it, and in most instances, my life turned out better once I let go of it. The Higher Power in my life didn’t turn away from me in disgust, but rather said, “Okay, you’ve done this, you’ve chosen a path that might not have been the best. Let’s see what we can do next to make it turn out better after all.” In other words, I was given another chance to do something good with my life.

Letting false guilt take hold of my life is a rather selfish and arrogant way to live. When I get outside of myself, when I stop feeling sorry for myself, or punishing myself, I can do much more good in the world for others. I can take in more love because my heart is not clogged up with “guilt.”

Who Wears The Pants In This House?

The notion of who in “in charge” with any relationship can be a sticky one. That needs to be decided by the two or three (or more) who share a home. I’m not here to give you the ultimate answer to that, although you probably figured out I have my own perspective and prejudices.

Fortunately we live in an era where we can make that choice. There was a time when it was decided for us. Men were Head of Household with no questions asked, and I believe that many men are sorry they gave up that position. Women were the “wee wife” without any thought to her opinions, although I suspect men did heed the words of their wives more than they wanted to admit.

Today, there are women who are ready to give some of that authority back to men. That varies from relationship to relationship, of course. There are times when the woman who wants to totally commit to being the more submissive wife/partner finds the perfect mate, who wants to be the more dominant partner. Reading the blog of one husband who expresses his delight with his submissive wife, I get a feel for the needs they meet for each other.

On the other end of the spectrum is the home that is completely led by the female. This is not uncommon and I’ve been the dominant one in that sort of household several times. I have to say that it didn’t feel good. I didn’t want that role, never sought it out, and resented it. Perhaps that’s one reason both marriages ended up in divorce, even though there were many good aspects to both. The problem is that I didn’t know what I was looking for – really didn’t know what was missing.

I discovered “Frank Discussion” online after my first marriage. Somehow I fell into a second marriage that put me in the dominant role again. When I finally left that marriage, I actively sought out a happy medium, and found what I’d been looking for all along. I am now with a man who is on the same level with me intellectually and wanting the type of relationship we both seek, yet he doesn’t allow me to run over him. We work together, make plans together, ask opinions of the other, but when it comes down to the final decision making, he does it.

It all boils down to one word – TRUST. If I don’t trust a man to make decisions that are in my own best interests, then how can I trust him with my body or my life? He readily admits when he makes mistakes, and he listens to my reasons for what I do or don’t do. He makes suggestions, and they are always sound. There is almost nothing I do without his input.

I mentioned that to a dear friend recently. She was shocked that I would enter into that sort of relationship. She said, “But that’s going back to traditional marriage!” Perhaps, but I like to think it’s moving forward rather than reverting. Ours is not a “Father Knows Best” kind of thing, but in any relationship someone needs to have the ultimate decision-making power. I still make decisions about my work, my home, my life in most respects. His ideas meshing with mine make for a peaceful and prosperous life for us both.

Just recently, he was not happy with the fact that I wasn’t taking time to rest in the afternoons. In his words, “I consider it the height of undisciplined behaviour.” I got the message, and have started structuring naps into my afternoon schedule – not merely because he is the Head of our Household, but because I know he’s right.

I’m using myself as an example in this post. I’m as much of a radical feminist as you’d ever meet, but it’s been wonderful to know that sometimes I can relax and let someone else take up the slack, make some decisions I hate to make. It’s been a conscious choice on my part. In the final analysis, it gives me more energy to do my work, and more free time to enjoy being with him.

And that can’t be all bad!