Who is Guilty?

I love to travel, but one trip I’ve stopped making is the “guilt trip.” Too often I was asked one of these questions or variations of such.

“Don’t you feel guilty about leaving your husband and children?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about quitting that job?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about having an affair?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about____?” You fill in the blanks. We each have our own destination in these trips.

There were two things early on that helped me stop going on those trips just because others thought I should.

The first was something I read by Wayne Dyer years ago, who said that when we’re caught up in our past, we’re feeling “guilt.” Time spent in the past keeps us from being in the now. There is way too much going on in my “now” to feel that guilt.

The second was a sentence in a small book that said guilt was only something we create to make ourselves feel bad, or to punish ourselves. I can’t remember the author, and I’m probably not even remembering it correctly. If I find either of these books I’ll give you the proper quotes another time. It’s the thought behind what both of these men wrote that I want to address.

People I know often wonder aloud why I never feel “guilty” about anything anymore. In fact, I’m more likely to get “Don’t you feel guilty because you don’t feel guilty?” Now that’s a big joke, isn’t it?

There is true guilt, of course. If I kill someone, which I’m not likely to do, I can be put on trial, judged guilty in a court of law, and serve time in prison because of it.

But I'm talking about that false sense of guilt we use to punish ourselves and ultimately project onto others in our lives. In other words, if I feel guilty enough, then I am passing judgment on myself, in case others don’t. That kind of guilt doesn’t solve problems or salve the hurt of others.

So what do we do with all that “guilt?” How can we stop doing that to ourselves? There are several ways we can handle it.

One way, of course, is to continue to punish ourselves, pretending that it will make everything all right if we make ourselves feel badly enough. That solution doesn’t feel good to me at all.

Another way, is to rectify the situation. We can go back and make amends to the ones we’ve hurt, and not do it again. Does this always take care of the situation? No, and sometimes it makes it worse, especially if they don’t know what you’ve done.

Some people repress the memories of it, hoping they’ll eventually forget. That kind of gnawing in our gut doesn’t go away, though, and we wonder why we develop ulcers, or worse. Cancer can result from an untended guilt.

I found that making amends to myself worked for my situation. If I treated others the way I sometimes treat myself, I wouldn’t have many friends left. When I forgive myself for what I supposedly did wrong, I am treating myself the way I would another friend.

I remember a client (I’ll call her May) several decades ago who came to me with all her “guilt.” After letting her vent for a while, I asked her to close her eyes and hold out her hands. I asked her to hold little May in her hands, caress her, love her, forgive her for doing what she did. Slowly I took her back to when she was a little girl. When I said, “Now bring little May up to your heart,” May started sobbing as if her heart had broken.

You might do that for yourself. Close your eyes and hold yourself in your own hands. Talk to the “you” that you hold, forgive “you” of whatever you did, and promise “you” that you don’t hold it against her/him. Speak for those others that “you” hurt, offer their forgiveness as well. It really does work in absentia, in spirit if not in the flesh.

Does all this mean you will never transgress again? Of course not, because we are human. But we have a choice. We can either permit all that guilt to eat us alive and prevent us from having an enjoyable life, or we can forgive ourselves for what cannot be undone and get on with life.

You bet I’ve done things I wish I hadn’t done, or that hurt other people, and I’m sure I’ll probably do it again. In the meantime, I don’t let it ruin my life. I can’t undo it, and in most instances, my life turned out better once I let go of it. The Higher Power in my life didn’t turn away from me in disgust, but rather said, “Okay, you’ve done this, you’ve chosen a path that might not have been the best. Let’s see what we can do next to make it turn out better after all.” In other words, I was given another chance to do something good with my life.

Letting false guilt take hold of my life is a rather selfish and arrogant way to live. When I get outside of myself, when I stop feeling sorry for myself, or punishing myself, I can do much more good in the world for others. I can take in more love because my heart is not clogged up with “guilt.”

Who Wears The Pants In This House?

The notion of who in “in charge” with any relationship can be a sticky one. That needs to be decided by the two or three (or more) who share a home. I’m not here to give you the ultimate answer to that, although you probably figured out I have my own perspective and prejudices.

Fortunately we live in an era where we can make that choice. There was a time when it was decided for us. Men were Head of Household with no questions asked, and I believe that many men are sorry they gave up that position. Women were the “wee wife” without any thought to her opinions, although I suspect men did heed the words of their wives more than they wanted to admit.

Today, there are women who are ready to give some of that authority back to men. That varies from relationship to relationship, of course. There are times when the woman who wants to totally commit to being the more submissive wife/partner finds the perfect mate, who wants to be the more dominant partner. Reading the blog of one husband who expresses his delight with his submissive wife, I get a feel for the needs they meet for each other.

On the other end of the spectrum is the home that is completely led by the female. This is not uncommon and I’ve been the dominant one in that sort of household several times. I have to say that it didn’t feel good. I didn’t want that role, never sought it out, and resented it. Perhaps that’s one reason both marriages ended up in divorce, even though there were many good aspects to both. The problem is that I didn’t know what I was looking for – really didn’t know what was missing.

I discovered “Frank Discussion” online after my first marriage. Somehow I fell into a second marriage that put me in the dominant role again. When I finally left that marriage, I actively sought out a happy medium, and found what I’d been looking for all along. I am now with a man who is on the same level with me intellectually and wanting the type of relationship we both seek, yet he doesn’t allow me to run over him. We work together, make plans together, ask opinions of the other, but when it comes down to the final decision making, he does it.

It all boils down to one word – TRUST. If I don’t trust a man to make decisions that are in my own best interests, then how can I trust him with my body or my life? He readily admits when he makes mistakes, and he listens to my reasons for what I do or don’t do. He makes suggestions, and they are always sound. There is almost nothing I do without his input.

I mentioned that to a dear friend recently. She was shocked that I would enter into that sort of relationship. She said, “But that’s going back to traditional marriage!” Perhaps, but I like to think it’s moving forward rather than reverting. Ours is not a “Father Knows Best” kind of thing, but in any relationship someone needs to have the ultimate decision-making power. I still make decisions about my work, my home, my life in most respects. His ideas meshing with mine make for a peaceful and prosperous life for us both.

Just recently, he was not happy with the fact that I wasn’t taking time to rest in the afternoons. In his words, “I consider it the height of undisciplined behaviour.” I got the message, and have started structuring naps into my afternoon schedule – not merely because he is the Head of our Household, but because I know he’s right.

I’m using myself as an example in this post. I’m as much of a radical feminist as you’d ever meet, but it’s been wonderful to know that sometimes I can relax and let someone else take up the slack, make some decisions I hate to make. It’s been a conscious choice on my part. In the final analysis, it gives me more energy to do my work, and more free time to enjoy being with him.

And that can’t be all bad!

A Frank Discussion

Back in the 80s, I stumbled onto a group in the now defunct Prodigy website, probably one of the first online services to have something like a forum or bulletin board for readers. There were all sorts of groups that discussed sex openly – part of the “sexual revolution” as well as the growth of the internet.

The amazing group I found was labeled "Frank Discussion" and they talked about activities that had been hush-hush for many years – such as BDSM, D/s, S/m, M/s, DD, TPE. It was sort of like "if you don't understand the initials, you don't belong here."

I felt like I’d been dropped in the middle of Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory! After years of thinking something was wrong with themselves, people were encountering others who craved the same sort of sexual stimulation. I couldn’t read enough of what they had to say about their lifestyle.

I toyed with both the Domme and submissive roles, and there are elements in each that appeal to me. I’m still not certain if I had been seeking these particular kinks, or if I was reveling in the new sexual freedom we were all discovering.

The cerebral connection was not happening only online. We were physically connecting with both women and men from that group whenever we could. I had been single for about 10 years at that time, and I fell madly in love with the group. Even now, one of the people I met in that group is someone I consider to be a dear friend. If you’re reading this blog, you know who you are.

One of the leaders in the group has since written several books. I corresponded with him and his two live-in submissive women. If he reads any of these blogs, he may recognize who I am! That was my first initiation to polyamory, also, and thinking about it all kept me in a state of constant arousal.



Then in January 1993, the Frank Discussion group was terminated. The topics discussed there were considered “too frank” by the corporation that owned Prodigy. We were left floundering for a place to meet people of like kind and discuss our so-called “perversions.”

The activities of that era would seem tame, however, compared to where it has evolved in today’s world of kink. Once it started, there was a virtual explosion.

We went from not having access to anything other than a woman in a bathing suit to being trussed up like a turkey to watching someone take a shit to you name it! Anal sex (formerly considered taboo) looked tame by comparison.

Today, some of the photography is pure art. And some of the best writing of sexual material fits into the category of true literature.

Recently this group of “pervs” came together to support one of the leaders who was involved in a “good vs. evil” situation with her daughter’s education. We continue to fight the battle through the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom. Threats continue, and we need to stand by her.

My post a couple Sundays ago addresses this issue by asking questions about what is truly indecent. Unless we ask the questions, our life here will not change. At times we get a glimmer that our lifestyle might become mainstream, but I fear that time is far away.

A strong belief I have about this lifestyle is that it takes a certain elevated intelligence in order to appreciate the beauty of it. It’s been my observation that those who are deeply involved have a more active imagination, and are more likely to need the extra creativity they bring to a sexual connection. Even though a person can still have fun with “vanilla” sex, it is difficult to let it stay at that level for very long.

I enjoy hard core as much as the next person, and my hope is that we don’t go too far the other way. When it is always there for the asking, is it possible that we could we get bored with it eventually?

Perhaps the fact that it remains generally taboo is one of the reasons we can continue to be aroused by such thoughts/ activities/ visuals. The exotic and forbidden always promises a thrill.

Let’s keep the electricity alive! And let’s make a stand for sexual freedom!

For A Friend In Great Need!

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A Million Ways To Make Love

When people come to me with questions about sex and/or their sexuality and the over-abundance (or under-abundance) of it, I have one answer.


“There are a million ways to make love. Sex is only one way.”


Well, maybe “a million” is a slight exaggeration. I have been known to use my Irish propensity for stretching the truth. But let’s say it’s “a hundred.” It's still a bunch of fun ways to tell someone what you think of them, and improve the quality of your love life immensely.


Maybe this is about more than just making love – maybe it’s about keeping your relationship alive for the long haul. I could tell a personal story about every single one of these, but you have your own.


Your assignment for the week, boys and girls, is to start your list of one hundred ways to make love. Feel free to pick-and-choose from this list. It will give you a head start. And don’t use these only for foreplay, please. Let them each stand alone as a statement.


1. Cook a meal together (in peace)
2. Give a neck rub (and only the neck)
3. Order a beautiful piece of lingerie for her/him online (let it be a surprise)
4. Brush his/her hair (gently)
5. Wash her/his back in the shower
6. Listen to what s/he has to say (incredibly sexy)
7. Hold hands in public (no matter how old you are)
8. Continue telling her/him how attractive he/she is (no matter how old or plump)
9. Give little special treats (non-fattening, of course)
10. Send flowers (even guys like to get flowers at work)
11. Serve breakfast in bed (or lunch or dinner)
12. Have cookies and milk at midnight in the kitchen (don’t want crumbs in the bed)
13. Do pillow talk (about all sorts of things)
14. Hide love notes (to be found at odd times and in odd places)
15. Read good books out loud to each other (maybe the book at the bottom of this post?)
16. Send text messages during the day
17. Learn their favorites (of anything – food, music, movies)
18. Take a life-drawing class together
19. Learn ballroom dancing together
20. Keep the ice-cube trays filled
21. Help make the bed
22. Fold the laundry together
23. Stop whatever you are doing and have “tea.”
24. Trade roles in household tasks occasionally
25. Make a kite, then fly it (without saying “Go fly a kite!”)
26. Sit side by side and listen to the wind (without saying a word)
27. Get up early enough to watch the sunrise together
28. Send “a little something” through snail mail (even if you live together)
29. Send an e-card to say “I love you”
30. Give him/her a chance to take a real nap
31. Keep yourself hygienically clean
32. Be pleasant (and desirable) to be around
33. Get up off the couch occasionally (the world will go on without you)
34. Give a foot massage
35. Plant a garden (anywhere)
36. Take time to watch the sunset together quietly.
37. Do a little star-gazing later
38. Play Santa all year with a tiny (inexpensive) gift in their shoe or stocking at night
39. Play Easter Bunny the same way (no, not that way!)
40. Do housework in the nude
41. Cook dinner in just an apron
42. Go to a nudist beach together (or join a nudist club)
43. Watch a good clean comedy DVD together
44. Watch a dirty DVD together (don’t say I didn’t warn you!)
45. Send a jpg in email of a position you’d like to try (later)
46. Create lots of little surprises (not too many, or they won’t be surprises anymore)
47. Spank him/her, then cuddle afterward
48. Cuddle without the spanking sometimes
49. Respect her/his privacy
50. Raise chickens or guppies or children together (enjoy the parenting process)
51. Plan meals together
52. Wash the car for him/her (or together)
53. Make sure her/his car has sufficient fuel and air in the tires
54. Talk about your fantasies
55. Talk about your beliefs
56. Talk about your disbeliefs
57. Talk!
58. Learn how to say “I love you” in a different language.
59. Splurge on a concert ticket for a favorite artist
60. Visit a museum
61. Accept his/her friends
62. Make a sand castle
63. Pull taffy (can’t be done alone)
64. Go fishing together (and bait her/his hook)
65. Plant an oak tree
66. Sing to him/her (even if you can’t carry a tune)
67. Make dinner a “formal” occasion once a month
68. Sleep in
69. Write a fairy tale (with your lover as hero or heroine)
70. Pick up after yourself
71. Replenish the batteries in his/her dildo
72. Pretend you’ve just met (and are telling the other about yourself)
73. Take vitamins
74. Dance in the rain (naked or clothed)
75. Hang up your bath towel
76. Buy a bottle of kid’s bubbles and blow bubbles at each other
77. Take a bubble bath, too
78. Have a Cool Whip fight
79. Say “please” and “thank you” often
80. Maintain your individuality
81. Lighten up!
82. Think possible
83. Watch your budget carefully (and plan it together)
84. Learn yoga or tai chi
85. Be generally courteous (we often neglect this with our partners)
86. Recycle
87. Be encouraging (rather than discouraging)
88. Practice humility
89. Live peacefully
90. Keep your cool
91. Walk together (in the woods, around the block, in a park)
92. Think “green”
93. Honor schedules
94. Be flexible
95. Create a scrapbook together
96. Have a snowball fight (if you live where there’s snow)
97. Go to a circus or carnival – and laugh
98. Share responsibilities (decide together)
99. Clean the shower stall when you’re finished
100. SEX!


Gosh! I’ll bet you thought I’d forget that one! Not a chance! To be honest, I could go on with this list forever, because I’ve just gotten started!


So maybe there are “a million ways,” after all. Tell me some of your ways, please.

Indecent?

An editorial in the L.A. Times this past week brought up an interesting issue. It’s “old news”, of course, so why does it keep coming up?


Some of the fuddy-duddies in this world insist on trying to protect us from whatever it is they consider “indecent.” According to the article, many uptight lawmakers consider our First Amendment to the Constitution merely “a suggestion.”


I don’t want to make this into a political forum, but just what is indecent?


A naked body of any size, form, position, or gender? Two (or more) people in the act of making love, or procreating, or playfully enjoying themselves (or maybe playing with themselves?) Learning about our bodies and how they differ from someone else’s body? Partial nudity? Classical art? Birth control?


Or is indecency handing lethal weapons to angry people? Watching bodies getting maimed in the streets? Seeing our offspring killed in the classrooms? Sending our underprivileged youth to fight an rich old man’s war?


Why am I able to turn on the TV and watch a suicide bomber, but I can’t find an X-rated movie without paying for it? Why can I be shown how to load a gun, but I can’t be shown how to put on a condom?


Does the person who came up with “abstinence only” have a problem with premature ejaculation? Or perhaps thinking about all the typical hormones that are raging among our youth is enough to make an old guy masturbate?


When was the pleasure of using a dildo taken away from us by calling it a different name? Watch this video if you want to laugh your pants off!


(Oops, I’d better not say that! It’s indecent!)


Why do people think some legislation will “protect” our innocent young? Why is it not up to parents to keep children from seeing the hard stuff (if we think it’s too naughty for them)?


Why do parents want to keep their children from having sex education in the public schools? Are they teaching it at home? How? Why are young people made to wait until they get to college to voluntarily take a course in the diversity of human sexuality?


What kind of law is it that prohibits any two or more people from having sex any way they want, regardless of position or gender or whatever?


Who decided that Tarzan and Jane shouldn’t be read by children because they were living together without benefit of marriage? And what about those apes, huh?? Do we honestly believe children are pondering the wages of sinful living when they read (and enjoy) those adventures?


Has anyone ever considered that Superman might have been a cross-dresser? What about Wonder Woman? Was she a dominatrix? Heavens!!! Keep those comics away from the children, please! They might get ideas!


The more I write this post, the more questions I have. There are too many questions with no satisfactory answers in these New Dark Ages. I think I’ll go watch the news. My government seems to think war has some sort of “decency” about it. Why isn’t peace considered decent enough for us?


It all boggles the mind, doesn’t it?