True Love?

How can we tell if what we’re feeling is true love? What’s the difference between love and addiction to a person or the relationship? Is there a difference?

That’s a tough one to answer. It helps me to think in terms of co-dependency, which is a form of love gone awry.

Certain professions are more prone to co-dependency than others – nursing and clergy are the two that come to mind immediately. Friends of mine wrote this little book.

Both of them are nurses who see how strong the tendency is among nurses. I also believe that to be a pastor, priest or nun almost requires a person to be co-dependent. It’s the nature of these particular careers, and many others. Professionals need to remain attentive to that fact.

Co-dependency does not mean that you are partnered with an addict, but rather it is a “diagnosis” all on its own. An old saw says that if you are co-dependent, someone else’s life flashes before your eyes when you die. In other words, other people are more important than you are to yourself.

A co-dependent person has difficulty separating who they are from how they are with another person. If I describe myself as a nurse, for example, then being a nurse is what gives me identity. “I am a nurse,” rather than “I am a person who works as a nurse.”

But it goes even deeper than that. Co-dependent persons feel like they are nobody without their job, whether that job is taking care of a sick family member, nursing in a hospital, or trying to survive while living with an alcoholic. Their job IS their identity.

Now, translate all of that to a relationship. My definition of a relationship would be two people who can stand alone, have their own career, have an identity that does not depend on someone else being there, even though they may love that partner intensely.

Once again, I refer you to Co-dependents Anonymous, sometimes shortened to CODA, to learn more about co-dependency and relationship addiction. If my identity relies on my lover, then I am in a co-dependent relationship with that lover. My lover knows he is our Head of Household (HoH), but he also knows and respects the fact that I have a life totally independent of him. We discuss options together, but always the final decision about anything significant belongs to him.

Space does not allow me to say a lot more about co-dependent relationships here, but please do read up on it. I highly recommend two books by Melody Beattie, an author who is tops in the field.

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Last week, I talked about sex addiction . As I said then, there are people who are pathologically addicted to sex in self-destructive ways.

What I believe many people really are saying is that they are addicted to LOVE –to being “in love.” See this article from the Sexual Recovery Institute for more about love addiction.

Another read that is appropriate for this topic is the following book. Her subtitle is "Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love." That says it all!

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One last book I recommend to you. It is a tiny little book packed with good information. He talks about “the staying syndrome,” and how to decide whether to stay or go. It originally was designed for relationships, but works for jobs and anything else about which you are having a problem in deciding “when to quit.”



All of the books I recommend here are ones I’ve used in my private practice and in teaching. While I could expound on these topics forever, I believe the books can do a more thorough job of getting the point across. When a book is in your hands, you can read a bit, mull it over, apply it to your life in baby steps, and eventually comprehend what is meant by love addiction.

Please permit me to close on a different topic. I was asked to be a guest blogger on http://catalinaloves.com/. She wrote a brief bio about me here and on Friday, July 24, she posted my contribution . If you’ve been reading my posts regularly, you’ll recognize that I combined a few of the things I’ve written here, but that doesn’t matter. I’d still love you to support Catalina on her blog. I’ll be doing more for her over time.

I blow you a kiss,
Fanny

Sex Addiction - Is It Real?

The posts you have read here are honest yet a bit casual and sometimes humorous, if not tongue-in-cheek. I probably should post from my own professional background, but I choose not to because I want this blog to be more fun than serious.

Lately, there have been more serious questions that I feel a strong need to address here. The topic for today is "sex as an addiction."

Can there be such a thing?

Sex addiction is not like other addictions where a person must remain abstinent from the drug of choice. It’s more like food addiction. We cannot abstain from food or we will eventually die. A food addict learns portion control, when to recognize true hunger, and other means of breaking the addiction.

Now I’m fairly certain we won’t die if we don’t have sex, but I do believe sex is a Divine Gift to each human being. The normal desire for sex permits us to play with it joyfully, experiment with it, make babies with it, relax with it – you name it. Some even use it for physical fitness.

Sex can be romantic or a bit naughty (I like more than a bit), yet too often sex is used as a weapon, either as an aggressive act like rape, or withdrawal as punishment and control over another person.

So what do we mean by a sex addiction? I would be concerned if a person had absolutely no interest in sex. This site identifies sex addiction as a “progressive intimacy disorder, characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts.”

There are many books that address recovery, but few address sexual addiction. One I have found helpful in my practice is The Good Sex Book: Recovering and Discovering Your Sexual Self, by Sherry Sedgwick, M.E., AASECT, CADAC. There is a saying in recovery circles: “We are as sick as our secrets.” Therefore, says Sedgwick, addiction to alcohol and other drugs (AOD), is often associated with sexual dysfunction – we call that “acting out.”



“Sex addiction” is not the same as “sex and love addiction.” A person can be addicted to sex to the point of compulsive masturbation, sex only with prostitutes (male or female), voyeurism, exhibitionism, sex with minors, obscene phone calls. This does not ordinarily involve “love.” See Sex Addicts Anonymous for a clearer understanding. There is even a set of questions designed to assess your level of sexual interest.

I think what most people are asking me about is not sex addiction, per se. I believe these questions come from a point of feeling addicted to a relationship. Go to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. They have a comprehensive questionnaire to find out if you would diagnose yourself as a sex and love addict.

I’ve been there with relationships, and I know that feeling. We believe we cannot live without that other person, there will never be someone quite like that other person, we give up our normal and personal activities for the other person, we feel incomplete without that other person – or ANY other person! There is an intense craving! We cry a lot, we smoke too many cigarettes, we drink too much, we stalk - we act out in many unhealthy ways.

The following poem is one I wrote years ago when I found myself in that mental state.

I want to be with you
Everyday
To sleep with you beside
the stream
To protect you from
the wind
To keep you warm and
relaxed
I ask nothing but love in return,
and to be with you
every day.
It is too much to ask.

Next week, I will continue this topic with a discussion on Co-dependency and Relationship Addiction. In the meantime, peruse the websites above and see where they take you.

I blow you a kiss,

Fanny

Sexy Accessories for Men

Last week, I gave a sampling of just a few of the sexiest accessories for women. This week it’s time for the guys to get in on the act. I realize that for both men and women, the final judgment is relative to sexual orientation. That doesn’t mean we don’t each change from time to time. The most ardent hetero- or homo-sexual person can see something sexually exciting about a person of the same or opposite sex at times.

So since I’m not a guy (last time I looked), I can’t tell you what a guy thinks is his sexiest accessory, but I can tell you what I’ve heard men say, what I’ve read that men write, and what I see from a woman’s perspective.

I’d love to hear what men consider to be their sexiest accessory. From the outside looking in, it seems that men believe well-defined muscle and six-pack abs are “it.” Or maybe it’s the haircut.
One gay male friend wrote what was attractive for him. “It is often the lower abdomen, also the shape of their full torso (shoulders through butt) – I like a kidney bean shape... also like European shape or Asian shape as opposed to a V torso, he-man type...I like androgynous male shapes.”

Cowboys in tight jeans and boots, U.S. Navy uniforms (or uniforms in general), aloha shirts and shorts or surfer pants, three-piece suits – any of these styles of dress can be specific turn-ons for some. Physical items of interest to men and women I’ve talked with can be either a little hair on the chest or a lot, facial hair or no facial hair, wavy hair or no hair at all, sensuous lips, bedroom eyes. I remember falling for a rather handsome guy in high school who had a scar across his cheek, which made him look sexier than ever.

What about their undies? Some guys wear thongs, some wear boxers, or tightie whities, or black briefs. I’m more of a boxer girl, myself, but I mostly like the vision of a man with nothing on at all below the waist, but I guess men feel they need something to protect the “jewels” or to keep them from flopping.

Cleanliness is a virtue, but sometimes a good musky smell is very sexy. There is a difference between that gross never-take-a-shower B.O. and good honest sweat from a man’s laboring or working out. I love the smell of my own man, and I tell him so. It’s a major turn-on for me.

I asked my own lover what he considers to be his sexiest attribute or accessory, and he replied that it was his desire for perfection in sex for his partner. That was a very sweet thing for him to say. I know he does try to please me sexually above all else. He tries very hard (ahem) to make it perfect for me, but HE is perfect and shouldn’t try so hard.

My response to him was that for me, his personality and intelligence rise above everything else, even though other physical attributes he has are attractive to me.

Being turned on by brains doesn’t mean that (in the past) I haven’t had wild and crazy sex with someone who had the personality of a doornail and the intelligence of a slug (maybe even less). So what did they have?? Well, I’ll leave that part to your imagination (blush)

Okay, men – it’s your turn to tell me what you think makes you sexy! It may not be at all what you think.

Sexy Accessories for Women

A conversation with a few women friends recently brought up the topic of what our sexiest accessory (or call it "attribute") might be. Everyone had a different idea. Here’s a sampling of what women see as their sexiest accessory.

Of course, if you shop at Adam and Eve (see link on the left), Wicked Temptations, Musotica, or Frederick’s of Hollywood, you have a specific type of sexiness in mind. Your favorite accessory might be erect nipples that show a beautiful profile through that fine silk blouse, with the feel of fabric rubbing against your skin. Absolutely lovely! I love seeing that on a woman (including on myself)!

Perhaps you like the artificial eyelashes that sport tiny rhinestones or little feathers. It takes batting your eyes at someone to a new level. I can definitely see a come-hither look developing, although I’d have trouble keeping my eyes open. But maybe those bedroom eyes can also be sexy.

Ever since I read a novel years ago where the woman wore a chain around her waist under all her clothes, I’ve been turned on by the thought of wearing a bra or panties made up of nothing but pearls or rhinestones. I wonder if that would take away from the nipples showing through or enhance it? Don’t you just love pondering things like that?

There was a time when I loved wearing high heels, but usually nothing more than three or four inches. Elegant beyond belief! High heels do something spectacular with the calf muscles in a woman’s leg, but I can’t imagine spending a day on my feet in some of the seven and eight inch heels that are popular. You certainly couldn’t teach or run after children in them, but if they flip your skirt, then wear them.

Costumes are fun accessories. I especially like the pirate ones, with the fair maiden ready to be ravished. My problem is that I always wanted to be the captain of the pirate ship, willing to ravish both male and female! Wonder what that makes me??

I could go on and on with stuff like leather panties that zip or tie up the front, bustiers and corsets, see-through baby dolls for that special feeling (even when no one else is around), long slinky dresses slit up to “here,” and miniskirts that show everything but the kitchen sink. We do dress to please ourselves, as well as our partners, don’t we?

For me, the sexiest accessory is none of those items – it’s earrings! Even without a stitch of clothing, a magnificent pair of earrings can make me feel like the Queen of Sheba. And if I forget to wear earrings when I go out, no amount of clothing will make me feel dressed.

I love big hoops, or many little hoops running up the edge of my ears. I love little diamond studs or long cascading pearls. Sometimes I put two different kinds of earrings into the same piercing, or even wear a different earring on each ear.

Earrings, earrings, earrings!!! Sexy, sexy, sexy!!!

Next week, I’ll talk about sexy accessories and attributes for men. In the meantime, please write and tell me what you consider to be your sexiest accessory.

INDEPENDENCE!!

Today is our American Independence Day and I’m adding a brief post between my regular posts to discuss that word “independence” as it relates to our sexuality.

Oh, I know – most of us have gone through many of the stages of sexual revolution. I was part of the group that started to show their breasts at a beach, burn our bras, and many of the other “coming out” activities we hippies did.

My pre-teen daughter was shocked when I showed up in one of the early mini-skirts, which wasn’t nearly as "mini" as they became over the next few years. After all, I was the mother of four children and what business did I have of following fashion anyway? Or showing my legs?

I was a child when my mother discussed the latest fashion with a neighbor over the laundry line. It seems this neighbor’s son was a designer for a high profile fashion industry in New York. In relating the newest switch in fashion, his mother said, “And he told me skirts were going to start coming down to HERE,” indicating mid-calf. Skirts were much shorter at the time, a war-time effort to eliminate waste in fabrics. (WW II that is, not the current one!)

We’ve been flaunting our sexual independence for centuries. I believe we live in a time when almost anything goes in fashion, in sex, in politics, in life. Of course we are still hampered in many respects. I cannot go strolling through the mall with no clothes on, but I can wear a top that barely covers my nipples, short enough to show my navel, and shorts that cover only half my buttocks. Personally, I think that is sexier and more seductive than out and out nudity!

But please, please continue to exert your independence in as many ways as possible! We all have our kinks, our fetishes, our naughty behaviors, our affairs, our fantasies. Don’t let anyone take them away from you! Walk with pride, strut your stuff! As Rusty Warren used to sing (probably still does), “Knockers Up!”

I blow you a kiss,

Fanny