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How can we tell if what we’re feeling is true love? What’s the difference between love and addiction to a person or the relationship? Is there a difference?
That’s a tough one to answer. It helps me to think in terms of co-dependency, which is a form of love gone awry.
Certain professions are more prone to co-dependency than others – nursing and clergy are the two that come to mind immediately. Friends of mine wrote this little book.
That’s a tough one to answer. It helps me to think in terms of co-dependency, which is a form of love gone awry.
Certain professions are more prone to co-dependency than others – nursing and clergy are the two that come to mind immediately. Friends of mine wrote this little book.
Both of them are nurses who see how strong the tendency is among nurses. I also believe that to be a pastor, priest or nun almost requires a person to be co-dependent. It’s the nature of these particular careers, and many others. Professionals need to remain attentive to that fact.
Co-dependency does not mean that you are partnered with an addict, but rather it is a “diagnosis” all on its own. An old saw says that if you are co-dependent, someone else’s life flashes before your eyes when you die. In other words, other people are more important than you are to yourself.
A co-dependent person has difficulty separating who they are from how they are with another person. If I describe myself as a nurse, for example, then being a nurse is what gives me identity. “I am a nurse,” rather than “I am a person who works as a nurse.”
But it goes even deeper than that. Co-dependent persons feel like they are nobody without their job, whether that job is taking care of a sick family member, nursing in a hospital, or trying to survive while living with an alcoholic. Their job IS their identity.
Now, translate all of that to a relationship. My definition of a relationship would be two people who can stand alone, have their own career, have an identity that does not depend on someone else being there, even though they may love that partner intensely.
Once again, I refer you to Co-dependents Anonymous, sometimes shortened to CODA, to learn more about co-dependency and relationship addiction. If my identity relies on my lover, then I am in a co-dependent relationship with that lover. My lover knows he is our Head of Household (HoH), but he also knows and respects the fact that I have a life totally independent of him. We discuss options together, but always the final decision about anything significant belongs to him.
Space does not allow me to say a lot more about co-dependent relationships here, but please do read up on it. I highly recommend two books by Melody Beattie, an author who is tops in the field.
Co-dependency does not mean that you are partnered with an addict, but rather it is a “diagnosis” all on its own. An old saw says that if you are co-dependent, someone else’s life flashes before your eyes when you die. In other words, other people are more important than you are to yourself.
A co-dependent person has difficulty separating who they are from how they are with another person. If I describe myself as a nurse, for example, then being a nurse is what gives me identity. “I am a nurse,” rather than “I am a person who works as a nurse.”
But it goes even deeper than that. Co-dependent persons feel like they are nobody without their job, whether that job is taking care of a sick family member, nursing in a hospital, or trying to survive while living with an alcoholic. Their job IS their identity.
Now, translate all of that to a relationship. My definition of a relationship would be two people who can stand alone, have their own career, have an identity that does not depend on someone else being there, even though they may love that partner intensely.
Once again, I refer you to Co-dependents Anonymous, sometimes shortened to CODA, to learn more about co-dependency and relationship addiction. If my identity relies on my lover, then I am in a co-dependent relationship with that lover. My lover knows he is our Head of Household (HoH), but he also knows and respects the fact that I have a life totally independent of him. We discuss options together, but always the final decision about anything significant belongs to him.
Space does not allow me to say a lot more about co-dependent relationships here, but please do read up on it. I highly recommend two books by Melody Beattie, an author who is tops in the field.
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Last week, I talked about sex addiction . As I said then, there are people who are pathologically addicted to sex in self-destructive ways.
What I believe many people really are saying is that they are addicted to LOVE –to being “in love.” See this article from the Sexual Recovery Institute for more about love addiction.
Another read that is appropriate for this topic is the following book. Her subtitle is "Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love." That says it all!
Last week, I talked about sex addiction . As I said then, there are people who are pathologically addicted to sex in self-destructive ways.
What I believe many people really are saying is that they are addicted to LOVE –to being “in love.” See this article from the Sexual Recovery Institute for more about love addiction.
Another read that is appropriate for this topic is the following book. Her subtitle is "Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love." That says it all!
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One last book I recommend to you. It is a tiny little book packed with good information. He talks about “the staying syndrome,” and how to decide whether to stay or go. It originally was designed for relationships, but works for jobs and anything else about which you are having a problem in deciding “when to quit.”
All of the books I recommend here are ones I’ve used in my private practice and in teaching. While I could expound on these topics forever, I believe the books can do a more thorough job of getting the point across. When a book is in your hands, you can read a bit, mull it over, apply it to your life in baby steps, and eventually comprehend what is meant by love addiction.
Please permit me to close on a different topic. I was asked to be a guest blogger on http://catalinaloves.com/. She wrote a brief bio about me here and on Friday, July 24, she posted my contribution . If you’ve been reading my posts regularly, you’ll recognize that I combined a few of the things I’ve written here, but that doesn’t matter. I’d still love you to support Catalina on her blog. I’ll be doing more for her over time.
I blow you a kiss,
Fanny
One last book I recommend to you. It is a tiny little book packed with good information. He talks about “the staying syndrome,” and how to decide whether to stay or go. It originally was designed for relationships, but works for jobs and anything else about which you are having a problem in deciding “when to quit.”
All of the books I recommend here are ones I’ve used in my private practice and in teaching. While I could expound on these topics forever, I believe the books can do a more thorough job of getting the point across. When a book is in your hands, you can read a bit, mull it over, apply it to your life in baby steps, and eventually comprehend what is meant by love addiction.
Please permit me to close on a different topic. I was asked to be a guest blogger on http://catalinaloves.com/. She wrote a brief bio about me here and on Friday, July 24, she posted my contribution . If you’ve been reading my posts regularly, you’ll recognize that I combined a few of the things I’ve written here, but that doesn’t matter. I’d still love you to support Catalina on her blog. I’ll be doing more for her over time.
I blow you a kiss,
Fanny
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