Nail Polish?

I have just a few questions about the new fad in nail polish!

Did anyone notice that it was all men on the team that created this nail polish that will let a woman know if “roofies” (date rape drug) has been added to her drink? All she has to do is dip a finger (or toe?) into her drink and it will change color, indicating that all is not right in Paradise.

That may be fine, and some may say it’s men who are trying to help women prevent rape, but I wonder what that really means?

Isn’t it about time we taught men that rape is not okay under any circumstance? Why are we applauding this creation at all? Why should women be responsible for whether they are raped or not? And why are we still saying that if a woman dresses in a certain way they are just "asking for it?"

Put the nail polish on the man’s . . . (uh, decided not to go there), and let him take the responsibility for not raping!

As a mother of two adult sons, I hope I taught them how to respect a woman and not feel it was their “right” to rape her. 

I could go on and on, but I’ll let it rest there, and give you the opportunity to think through this issue and what it really means for your own life.

I blow you a kiss!

Fanny

Where Do We Learn?

I recently read a question online asking about funny questions that had come up in elementary sex ed classes. Yes, I read many hysterically funny questions and answers on that site, but the main question as far as I’m concerned is “Where does a child get to learn some of these things?”

As parents, we are embarrassed to explain the facts of life to our children. As teachers, we aren’t any better. The children your child plays with certainly don’t know the answers, either. As the children get older, and they still haven’t heard some of the sexual terms, what happens then?

I teach human sexuality in a community college and I’ve had equally strange questions come up in class. One sweet young thing naively asked “What’s a blow job?” Fortunately, another student gave a very concise and accurate description that didn’t involve giggles from the rest of the class.

When I was in the hospital after delivering my first child (many decades ago!), the woman sharing my room said she had no idea there were “three holes down there” until she’d gotten pregnant. To my mind, there is no excuse for this kind of ignorance.

Come on, parents! We shelter our children from “naughty” words and acts, then wonder why they get pregnant in their early teens. We don’t give them accurate information, so they get inaccurate and scuzzy information from their friends, or online porn.

In class I emphasize the necessity of teaching the correct words for penis, breast, vagina, but I also encourage the students to let the child also learn slang terms. Allow a child to learn what happens between two people who love each other. There is no reason to shy away from letting our children know about life!

I blow you a kiss!

Fanny

Gallimaufry

Well, that word should send most of you scrambling for your dictionary!

I’ll save you the trouble. Like my name (Lucette) it originally came from the French. It was a hash made out of meat scraps. That should tell you where my head is today as I write my weekly words.

It’s been “one of those weeks,” kids. I was away at a writers conference for five days and came back to a full schedule that I wasn’t as well prepared for as usual. I take pride in being ready for anything that comes along, but this week clobbered me.

My brain is full of gallimaufry – in its original meaning. An alternate meaning for the word is “miscellany.” So that’s where we’ll go today. Maybe by next week, one distinct flavor will start to emerge from the hash.

What scraps of meat make up my gallimaufry?

The 2008 Erection – I mean Election! I hate to admit that there are some positives about everyone who is running, but that’s the problem. Having “some” positives isn’t enough to excite me about any candidate. I am in great fear and shame for our country. No matter how progressive we may pretend we have become in our thinking, we are still run by those who think any body part below the neck is to be ignored, avoided and labeled obscene. I don’t want to get started on all the election issues I think are crazy!

Sex! Sure I think about sex a lot – what kind, with whom, when, how often, why, and a host of other related questions. I learned long ago not to equate Sex with Love, but I still think about it. Can I love someone without having sex? Of course, but then I wonder “Why bother?” After the orgasm, then what? You need to have a connection of the intelligence, or a shared “cause,” or an activity beyond yourselves. My thoughts run amuck with all these questions.

Kink! Just what, who, where, when, how is “kink”? The word “kink” is basically a noun or an adjective (if you add the “y”). If you want to have some funky fun, look in Roget’s Thesaurus for all the various meanings. Probably every single one of the words listed can be used in a sexual way. Let your mind run away with “bend or twist,” “twisted,” “complication,” “idiosyncrasy,” “bizarre,” “perverted,” and my favorite, “spasm of muscular tissue.” There were 71 different words in my copy of Roget. That’s a lot of ways to have fun!

Television! I have spent most of my many years not watching TV. As a result, I never know where to put my set. Oh yes, I have a TV/VCR combo that I bought a thousand years ago. It’s not a sleek whatever-it-is that’s the newest thing in entertainment. But it serves my purpose (which is nothing). I do use it for watching movies occasionally, or when someone calls me and says there’s something happening I really need to see (like 9/11). I’ve kept it in my bedroom, but I get more pleasure out of other things in my bedroom besides watching TV - like reading, sleeping, dressing and undressing, and sexing. So the TV never is turned on. I recently moved it to my office, across from my computer so I can write and watch at the same time. My two favorite channels are the Weather Channel and the Food Channels. (Wonder what that says about me?) But I forget I have it handy now, and it still doesn’t get turned on much.

NEWS! I read my news online so I don’t watch it on TV, nor do I subscribe to a tangible newspaper. I even subscribe to my local daily newspaper online, rather than let a stack of newsprint accumulate in the corner. “News” isn’t true news, anyway. It only takes us back to an absurd election, a so-called “war” I don’t believe in, sex scandals that aren’t, and silly celebrities. What’s “new” about all that?? I’d rather sit here with my gallimaufry.

Birthdays! I’m the poster girl for Libra. I love any celebration, but who gives a damn about getting older? I’m growing older as gracefully as I possibly can, but there is no graceful way to hide the fact that I’m no longer in my twenties. In many ways, I believe I’m more beautiful and gracious now than when I was in my twenties – and I’m certainly wiser. But one piece of my meat hash is that another birthday will be here and gone by the end of this month.

Relationships! Yes, I’m in one, and with an absolutely wonderful man. We live a thirty-minute plane ride apart and are with each other in person about one week out of every three. That time apart is both Hell and Heaven. I love my time alone, but I miss him like crazy when he’s not here. Will that change? I don’t know, and at this point, it’s not critical. Maybe not living together is the reason we have such a good relationship. The familiarity of living in the same house brings up all sorts of problems that could be avoided.

Gifts! My honey usually sends gifts of fresh produce from his garden or building materials like screws (there seems to be something rather symbolic in that!), but recently he’s started sending me sexy panties! My choice has almost always been more utilitarian, but I’ve learned how to enjoy sexy panties under my conservative work clothes. (sigh) Each day he wants to know the pair du jour.

Well, I’ve had my fill of gallimaufry for now. As I wrote this hash or miscellany, my thoughts began to clear. I’m not as scattered as I was when I started, and I see a post coming in the future out of each of these pieces of meat.

The spices I add will help the flavor.

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny

Who Wears The Pants In This House?

The notion of who in “in charge” with any relationship can be a sticky one. That needs to be decided by the two or three (or more) who share a home. I’m not here to give you the ultimate answer to that, although you probably figured out I have my own perspective and prejudices.

Fortunately we live in an era where we can make that choice. There was a time when it was decided for us. Men were Head of Household with no questions asked, and I believe that many men are sorry they gave up that position. Women were the “wee wife” without any thought to her opinions, although I suspect men did heed the words of their wives more than they wanted to admit.

Today, there are women who are ready to give some of that authority back to men. That varies from relationship to relationship, of course. There are times when the woman who wants to totally commit to being the more submissive wife/partner finds the perfect mate, who wants to be the more dominant partner. Reading the blog of one husband who expresses his delight with his submissive wife, I get a feel for the needs they meet for each other.

On the other end of the spectrum is the home that is completely led by the female. This is not uncommon and I’ve been the dominant one in that sort of household several times. I have to say that it didn’t feel good. I didn’t want that role, never sought it out, and resented it. Perhaps that’s one reason both marriages ended up in divorce, even though there were many good aspects to both. The problem is that I didn’t know what I was looking for – really didn’t know what was missing.

I discovered “Frank Discussion” online after my first marriage. Somehow I fell into a second marriage that put me in the dominant role again. When I finally left that marriage, I actively sought out a happy medium, and found what I’d been looking for all along. I am now with a man who is on the same level with me intellectually and wanting the type of relationship we both seek, yet he doesn’t allow me to run over him. We work together, make plans together, ask opinions of the other, but when it comes down to the final decision making, he does it.

It all boils down to one word – TRUST. If I don’t trust a man to make decisions that are in my own best interests, then how can I trust him with my body or my life? He readily admits when he makes mistakes, and he listens to my reasons for what I do or don’t do. He makes suggestions, and they are always sound. There is almost nothing I do without his input.

I mentioned that to a dear friend recently. She was shocked that I would enter into that sort of relationship. She said, “But that’s going back to traditional marriage!” Perhaps, but I like to think it’s moving forward rather than reverting. Ours is not a “Father Knows Best” kind of thing, but in any relationship someone needs to have the ultimate decision-making power. I still make decisions about my work, my home, my life in most respects. His ideas meshing with mine make for a peaceful and prosperous life for us both.

Just recently, he was not happy with the fact that I wasn’t taking time to rest in the afternoons. In his words, “I consider it the height of undisciplined behaviour.” I got the message, and have started structuring naps into my afternoon schedule – not merely because he is the Head of our Household, but because I know he’s right.

I’m using myself as an example in this post. I’m as much of a radical feminist as you’d ever meet, but it’s been wonderful to know that sometimes I can relax and let someone else take up the slack, make some decisions I hate to make. It’s been a conscious choice on my part. In the final analysis, it gives me more energy to do my work, and more free time to enjoy being with him.

And that can’t be all bad!

Poly/Mono Relationships

The following question came to me in a comment on my swinging blog. http://fannylucette.blogspot.com/2008/05/swing-low-sweet_26.html

“Dear Fanny, if I recognize that one person can never meet all my needs (physical, emotional, recreational, etc.), but my partner thinks one person can and SHOULD, what course(s) of action do you recommend?”

Since that question arrived, I also have had telephone and online conversations with others about the exact same topic. There was a clear indication that the topic needed to be addressed soon.

Now, I know that this question, and the subsequent conversations I had with other people, relates not to something as simple as hobbies. What they seem to be asking really is “What if I need (and want) to be sexual with more than one person and my partner doesn’t?” This would include the jealousy factor, especially if the monogamous partner doesn’t want to “play around.”

But for ease of discussion, let’s start with hobbies as an example. What if you love horseback riding (so to speak…ahem) and the other is frightened to death of anything larger than a small kitten. Should you give up riding horses and take up knitting? I think not! You would probably find a friend to go riding with you (cough cough).

I can’t conceive of anything more boring than two people who always have to do everything together. Sharing a great number of interests can be one way of enhancing a relationship, but the need to have separate outside interests of your own is quite another issue. I believe that if each person has their own pleasures and finds someone else to share them with, then they have more to bring back to the party, in a sense.

Now, back to the notion of sexual partnerships. This is such a common problem that groups and blogs exist that are made up of people in relationships where one partner wants a monogamous relationship, stating (and believing) that the other partner can (and should) meet all their needs. But your partner cannot and does not fulfill all your needs. Perhaps you have a need not to feel tied down to one person and you are interested in either other outside interests or in a polyamorous relationship. http://fannylucette.blogspot.com/2008/05/poly-what_26.html

So what do you do about this?

There is so much to take into consideration. I think you need to realize that discussing it with your partner could ultimately end up in divorce or an ending of the relationship. If you are willing to take that chance, then take the next step.

The first thing you may need to do is reassure your partner that s/he is still loved and primary in your life. Ask questions that will draw out their feelings. It might be a good time to discuss how you both think the relationship is going. The typical response, might be “Everything is fine,” even though you know it’s not. It’s a sure bet that the mono-minded partner has already picked up on your dissatisfaction. Maybe you’ve even talked about it a bit already. You could casually bring it up as a question, then admit they may have a valid concern.

One question might be, “Have you noticed a decline in the excitement (or whatever word you want to use) of our relationship?” Discuss why the two of you think that is happening, and ask for suggestions. You may be surprised at the response.

It’s critical that you do not place blame on the other person. It’s not their fault that you are restless, or need more than one person to satisfy your needs. Own up to it, even though it might be easier to point the finger.

At some point in the conversation, you need to ask how they would feel if you went horseback riding with someone else (back to our “hobby” example). “I know you hate horses, and would rather not be pulled along every time I go, but it’s very important that I continue riding, and I’d like to go with other horse people.” This opens up the conversation to other activities that the two of you need to do separately.

“Swinging” might be a beginning, if you can entice your partner to try it. It is very possible that three-somes and “more-somes” can stimulate your sex life, and your affection for each other. If agreed to and it all works out, then it could develop into a lovely polyamorous situation.

Again, gradually begin to ask more pertinent questions, such as “Have you ever thought you’d like to be sexual with someone other than me?” They may deny it, but if the communication between you is good, the other person may admit they have thought about it from time to time. Even if they say “no,” your partner will surely come back with “Have you?” Be ready with your answer - no hemming and hawing here!

But SEX is the one intimacy many people are not willing to share. The instant the conversation uh…swings around to that, you can expect emotions to flare. Again, you need to know that it might mean the end to your relationship. Are you willing to risk the consequences?

Everything I’ve suggested depends on the sort of relationship the two of you have established over a period of time. It may be that it’s more important to concede to your partner, and keep your needs inside, at least for the time being.

I keep having ideas about all this, but I’m sure this topic will pop up again. I haven’t solved the situation for you, and may have made it worse. Now is your time to be 100% honest with yourself and decide what is most important to you.

And sometimes the best thing to do is simply to have a discrete affair.

I blow you a kiss,

Fanny (who loves horses - and aren't those beautiful draft horses in the picture?)

Him or Her or….?

The subject of swinging this past week certainly brought a lot to the surface, didn’t it? One big issue that developed out of that post pertained to bisexuality. Homosexuality for all genders has been in the news lately, especially with the new law in California. Let’s all stand up and give a big “HOORAH” for that!

HOORAH!

Thank you! If it had happened in any other state, I think people across the country would have paid more attention, but you know how those Californians are! They are always the first to do something a bit daring and out of the ordinary. They are weird anyway!

The bisexual, however, has been misunderstood and much maligned by both sides of the argument. In the mind of the conservative, if someone has sexual interests in another of the same sex at any time, they are queer. At the same time, the homosexual thinks that a bisexual person is fence-sitting. OUCH!

I want to plead a case for the person who is not bound by any limits, either homosexual or heterosexual. Think about it! Isn’t there so much more to attraction than the genitalia of someone’s physical body and what they are capable of doing with it?

For many years, I have said that I am turned on by a personality and intelligence, not by any particular gender, race, age, size, blah blah. I’m not putting down those who stay at their own end of the continuum, whichever end that might be. I’m simply saying that it’s so much more fun to be open to either end (so to speak)!

Lifting our eyes from the genitalia to encompass the mind can broaden our global perspective in a beautiful way. I’m not sure where I saw it, but years ago there was a bumper sticker that said, “Intelligence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.” I heartily believe that! Too often we run across a beautiful body with a bimbo mind (both male and female).

The concept of personality comes into play here. As a psychologist, I know there are many different personality types, as well as many different ways to determine what your personality type may be. Find someone with a personality that intrigues you, that attracts you, that you enjoy being around, and can tolerate for longer than a quickie. Then play with their genitals and see what comes up (as it were)!

That’s enough on that topic for now. I’m sure we will come back to it. I’ll see you next Sunday with another juicy tidbit.

I blow you a kiss,

Fanny

Swing Low, Sweet…

After last week’s blog on polyamory, an excellent question came up about the difference between “polyamory” and “swinging.”

http://www.libchrist.com/poly/polyvsswing.html is a lengthy post about the difference. I won’t try to improve on that. I believe that swinging can lead to polyamory, but it is not intended to do so.

Therefore, I would like to discuss only swinging today and let you come to your own conclusion about the difference. Years ago, it was referred to as “wife swapping,” but this seemed to be rather androcentric, and doesn’t come close to explaining the depth of the activity.

In spite of prudish societies, swinging has been in existence since the ancient Romans, at least, and probably even longer ago than that. Sexual curiosity is nothing new.

In more modern times, military personnel felt it was a duty to take care of the wives of buddies who were off to battle. The women who were left behind certainly needed something besides a dildo to satisfy certain sexual hungers, didn’t they? Even the Bible refers to a man’s obligation to take care of his deceased brother’s wife.

Sometimes there are parties where groups of people come together to play in front of others, commonly called an orgy. This can be an acceptable way of being either an exhibitionist or a voyeur. Some couples really get stimulated by watching their partner with someone else. Often, however, this ends up with two or more going off into another room for more privacy.

One early form of playing involved tossing your house keys into a bowl when you entered a party, then randomly taking out another set of keys. This would indicate the person you went home with for the evening, or longer. I suppose there was titillation in not knowing who you would end up with.

Years ago, I belonged to a traveling nudist club in Southern California. It was promoted as being for people who enjoyed sunning in the nude. I discovered that it was a thinly veiled swinging group. All of us did enjoy nudity, but the playing that took place at those parties proved there was an interest in more than just feeling the warmth of the sun on our bodies.

Various games were played to determine who would be your sex partner, or playmate for the evening. One game was to have the men stand behind a sheet with holes cut into it. They would place their erect penises through the holes and the women had to identify which was the penis of their husband or partner. Part of the fun was in going up and down the line, feeling each penis. I have a hunch that the women made intentional mistakes.

There are many forms of swinging. It is not always swapping partners or spouses. Sometimes it is a couple who invites a single person to join them. There is no jealousy involved, no “love,” no sense of ownership. It is simply something to give their sex life a shot in the arm. Often it is a natural progression among people who are good friends – an extension of their fondness for each other.

Once again, I send you to Google where you will find many formal organizations of people who are into swinging. If that is your fantasy, then go for it. You won’t have any trouble finding others also interested in playing. Some couples seek out others to meet when they travel to other states or countries. Please make sure everyone practices safe sex, and has been tested recently.

I hope I have broadened your perspective!

I blow you a kiss,
Fanny

Poly-What??

For a little fun, look through a dictionary. Seriously! Check out words beginning with “poly,” and you will find all sorts of innuendos, if not outright sexy stuff. In my Webster’s New World Dictionary (WNWD), an old second college edition, there were five columns devoted to words that begin with “poly.”

Let's start with one we’ve all heard – polygamy. Whatever meaning you’ve ever given that word, I’ll bet you have it wrong! According to my WNWD, it is the state or practice of having more than one wife or husband at the same time. In other words, it’s having a plural marriage. Those lucky animals who are not human, they get to be polygamous all the time, because they can mate with more than one of the opposite sex and no one reports them to the authorities.

What we normally think of as polygamy, is really polygyny, which is having more than one wife or concubine at the same time. “Concubine” is WNWD’s word, not mine, but it is a rather sweet old-fashioned word, isn’t it? There are botanical and zoological meanings to that word, too, but we won’t go there this time.

If a woman decides to play with more than one man, she is polyandrous. We don’t run into that much, but sounds like something to look into. Again, those lucky stiffs in botany and zoology get to do that all the time.

There are other words in the “poly” vein that can have many meanings – uh, polysemic (having many meanings or being open to many meanings).

Try polydactyl – having more than the normal number of fingers or toes. That sounds like fun. I can think of all sorts of uses for a polydactyl lover, can’t you? (big evil grin)

Of course, there are some pleasant words with no particularly sexy meanings, like Polynesia (where I live), or polymath (a person of great and diversified learning). Those words give me a nice warm and cozy feeling.

My favorite “poly” word of all is polyamorous. My WNWD is so old that it’s not even listed in there! But check for it on the internet. In 0.12 seconds, Google came up with about 322,000 entries for polyamorous! They even have their own society.

I definitely can recommend a nice evening stroll through some of those listings. A site like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory can give you the nitty-gritty of it, but for sheer pleasure and fantasizing, I suggest you try http://www.polyamory.org/ or http://www.polyamorysociety.org/ or . . . well, I can’t even begin to name them all!

But please do take the Polyamory Purity Test http://www.polyamory.org/purity.html and you’ll find out just how impure you really are!

I blow you a kiss!

Fanny

Welcome to my blog!

For many years I have taught, counseled, advised, and experimented with issues around relationships, sexual behaviors, thoughts, and fantasies. In this blog I will present topics of interest and share my answer to questions students and/or friends have asked over the ages.

I’ve heard it said that “there is nothing new under the sun,” and that certainly is true in the world of sexuality. We may think we’ve invented a new position, enacted new fantasies, discovered new thrills, but I can guarantee you that it’s all been done before. If you don’t believe me, check out http://www.ameanet.com/, the World Museum of Erotic Art.

In today’s world, questions often revolve more around whether something is too kinky or bizarre, if there are any legalities to be observed, ways to make a good relationship better. Even when we think we know all about it, I still get questions about how a person’s body functions, and what is happening when we get “turned on.”

You are welcome to send your questions to me via email (fanny.lucette@gmail.com) and I will do my best to answer. You may also add comments, which I moderate before they are posted. My intent is to write a brief article that will be available every Sunday morning. That’s a good time to explore new options in bed with a lover, or even alone! So please subscribe to this blog via Google Reader to get it fresh and hot!

I blow you a kiss!
Fanny