Who Wears The Pants In This House?

The notion of who in “in charge” with any relationship can be a sticky one. That needs to be decided by the two or three (or more) who share a home. I’m not here to give you the ultimate answer to that, although you probably figured out I have my own perspective and prejudices.

Fortunately we live in an era where we can make that choice. There was a time when it was decided for us. Men were Head of Household with no questions asked, and I believe that many men are sorry they gave up that position. Women were the “wee wife” without any thought to her opinions, although I suspect men did heed the words of their wives more than they wanted to admit.

Today, there are women who are ready to give some of that authority back to men. That varies from relationship to relationship, of course. There are times when the woman who wants to totally commit to being the more submissive wife/partner finds the perfect mate, who wants to be the more dominant partner. Reading the blog of one husband who expresses his delight with his submissive wife, I get a feel for the needs they meet for each other.

On the other end of the spectrum is the home that is completely led by the female. This is not uncommon and I’ve been the dominant one in that sort of household several times. I have to say that it didn’t feel good. I didn’t want that role, never sought it out, and resented it. Perhaps that’s one reason both marriages ended up in divorce, even though there were many good aspects to both. The problem is that I didn’t know what I was looking for – really didn’t know what was missing.

I discovered “Frank Discussion” online after my first marriage. Somehow I fell into a second marriage that put me in the dominant role again. When I finally left that marriage, I actively sought out a happy medium, and found what I’d been looking for all along. I am now with a man who is on the same level with me intellectually and wanting the type of relationship we both seek, yet he doesn’t allow me to run over him. We work together, make plans together, ask opinions of the other, but when it comes down to the final decision making, he does it.

It all boils down to one word – TRUST. If I don’t trust a man to make decisions that are in my own best interests, then how can I trust him with my body or my life? He readily admits when he makes mistakes, and he listens to my reasons for what I do or don’t do. He makes suggestions, and they are always sound. There is almost nothing I do without his input.

I mentioned that to a dear friend recently. She was shocked that I would enter into that sort of relationship. She said, “But that’s going back to traditional marriage!” Perhaps, but I like to think it’s moving forward rather than reverting. Ours is not a “Father Knows Best” kind of thing, but in any relationship someone needs to have the ultimate decision-making power. I still make decisions about my work, my home, my life in most respects. His ideas meshing with mine make for a peaceful and prosperous life for us both.

Just recently, he was not happy with the fact that I wasn’t taking time to rest in the afternoons. In his words, “I consider it the height of undisciplined behaviour.” I got the message, and have started structuring naps into my afternoon schedule – not merely because he is the Head of our Household, but because I know he’s right.

I’m using myself as an example in this post. I’m as much of a radical feminist as you’d ever meet, but it’s been wonderful to know that sometimes I can relax and let someone else take up the slack, make some decisions I hate to make. It’s been a conscious choice on my part. In the final analysis, it gives me more energy to do my work, and more free time to enjoy being with him.

And that can’t be all bad!