Poly/Mono Relationships

The following question came to me in a comment on my swinging blog. http://fannylucette.blogspot.com/2008/05/swing-low-sweet_26.html

“Dear Fanny, if I recognize that one person can never meet all my needs (physical, emotional, recreational, etc.), but my partner thinks one person can and SHOULD, what course(s) of action do you recommend?”

Since that question arrived, I also have had telephone and online conversations with others about the exact same topic. There was a clear indication that the topic needed to be addressed soon.

Now, I know that this question, and the subsequent conversations I had with other people, relates not to something as simple as hobbies. What they seem to be asking really is “What if I need (and want) to be sexual with more than one person and my partner doesn’t?” This would include the jealousy factor, especially if the monogamous partner doesn’t want to “play around.”

But for ease of discussion, let’s start with hobbies as an example. What if you love horseback riding (so to speak…ahem) and the other is frightened to death of anything larger than a small kitten. Should you give up riding horses and take up knitting? I think not! You would probably find a friend to go riding with you (cough cough).

I can’t conceive of anything more boring than two people who always have to do everything together. Sharing a great number of interests can be one way of enhancing a relationship, but the need to have separate outside interests of your own is quite another issue. I believe that if each person has their own pleasures and finds someone else to share them with, then they have more to bring back to the party, in a sense.

Now, back to the notion of sexual partnerships. This is such a common problem that groups and blogs exist that are made up of people in relationships where one partner wants a monogamous relationship, stating (and believing) that the other partner can (and should) meet all their needs. But your partner cannot and does not fulfill all your needs. Perhaps you have a need not to feel tied down to one person and you are interested in either other outside interests or in a polyamorous relationship. http://fannylucette.blogspot.com/2008/05/poly-what_26.html

So what do you do about this?

There is so much to take into consideration. I think you need to realize that discussing it with your partner could ultimately end up in divorce or an ending of the relationship. If you are willing to take that chance, then take the next step.

The first thing you may need to do is reassure your partner that s/he is still loved and primary in your life. Ask questions that will draw out their feelings. It might be a good time to discuss how you both think the relationship is going. The typical response, might be “Everything is fine,” even though you know it’s not. It’s a sure bet that the mono-minded partner has already picked up on your dissatisfaction. Maybe you’ve even talked about it a bit already. You could casually bring it up as a question, then admit they may have a valid concern.

One question might be, “Have you noticed a decline in the excitement (or whatever word you want to use) of our relationship?” Discuss why the two of you think that is happening, and ask for suggestions. You may be surprised at the response.

It’s critical that you do not place blame on the other person. It’s not their fault that you are restless, or need more than one person to satisfy your needs. Own up to it, even though it might be easier to point the finger.

At some point in the conversation, you need to ask how they would feel if you went horseback riding with someone else (back to our “hobby” example). “I know you hate horses, and would rather not be pulled along every time I go, but it’s very important that I continue riding, and I’d like to go with other horse people.” This opens up the conversation to other activities that the two of you need to do separately.

“Swinging” might be a beginning, if you can entice your partner to try it. It is very possible that three-somes and “more-somes” can stimulate your sex life, and your affection for each other. If agreed to and it all works out, then it could develop into a lovely polyamorous situation.

Again, gradually begin to ask more pertinent questions, such as “Have you ever thought you’d like to be sexual with someone other than me?” They may deny it, but if the communication between you is good, the other person may admit they have thought about it from time to time. Even if they say “no,” your partner will surely come back with “Have you?” Be ready with your answer - no hemming and hawing here!

But SEX is the one intimacy many people are not willing to share. The instant the conversation uh…swings around to that, you can expect emotions to flare. Again, you need to know that it might mean the end to your relationship. Are you willing to risk the consequences?

Everything I’ve suggested depends on the sort of relationship the two of you have established over a period of time. It may be that it’s more important to concede to your partner, and keep your needs inside, at least for the time being.

I keep having ideas about all this, but I’m sure this topic will pop up again. I haven’t solved the situation for you, and may have made it worse. Now is your time to be 100% honest with yourself and decide what is most important to you.

And sometimes the best thing to do is simply to have a discrete affair.

I blow you a kiss,

Fanny (who loves horses - and aren't those beautiful draft horses in the picture?)