Who is Guilty?

I love to travel, but one trip I’ve stopped making is the “guilt trip.” Too often I was asked one of these questions or variations of such.

“Don’t you feel guilty about leaving your husband and children?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about quitting that job?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about having an affair?”

“Don’t you feel guilty about____?” You fill in the blanks. We each have our own destination in these trips.

There were two things early on that helped me stop going on those trips just because others thought I should.

The first was something I read by Wayne Dyer years ago, who said that when we’re caught up in our past, we’re feeling “guilt.” Time spent in the past keeps us from being in the now. There is way too much going on in my “now” to feel that guilt.

The second was a sentence in a small book that said guilt was only something we create to make ourselves feel bad, or to punish ourselves. I can’t remember the author, and I’m probably not even remembering it correctly. If I find either of these books I’ll give you the proper quotes another time. It’s the thought behind what both of these men wrote that I want to address.

People I know often wonder aloud why I never feel “guilty” about anything anymore. In fact, I’m more likely to get “Don’t you feel guilty because you don’t feel guilty?” Now that’s a big joke, isn’t it?

There is true guilt, of course. If I kill someone, which I’m not likely to do, I can be put on trial, judged guilty in a court of law, and serve time in prison because of it.

But I'm talking about that false sense of guilt we use to punish ourselves and ultimately project onto others in our lives. In other words, if I feel guilty enough, then I am passing judgment on myself, in case others don’t. That kind of guilt doesn’t solve problems or salve the hurt of others.

So what do we do with all that “guilt?” How can we stop doing that to ourselves? There are several ways we can handle it.

One way, of course, is to continue to punish ourselves, pretending that it will make everything all right if we make ourselves feel badly enough. That solution doesn’t feel good to me at all.

Another way, is to rectify the situation. We can go back and make amends to the ones we’ve hurt, and not do it again. Does this always take care of the situation? No, and sometimes it makes it worse, especially if they don’t know what you’ve done.

Some people repress the memories of it, hoping they’ll eventually forget. That kind of gnawing in our gut doesn’t go away, though, and we wonder why we develop ulcers, or worse. Cancer can result from an untended guilt.

I found that making amends to myself worked for my situation. If I treated others the way I sometimes treat myself, I wouldn’t have many friends left. When I forgive myself for what I supposedly did wrong, I am treating myself the way I would another friend.

I remember a client (I’ll call her May) several decades ago who came to me with all her “guilt.” After letting her vent for a while, I asked her to close her eyes and hold out her hands. I asked her to hold little May in her hands, caress her, love her, forgive her for doing what she did. Slowly I took her back to when she was a little girl. When I said, “Now bring little May up to your heart,” May started sobbing as if her heart had broken.

You might do that for yourself. Close your eyes and hold yourself in your own hands. Talk to the “you” that you hold, forgive “you” of whatever you did, and promise “you” that you don’t hold it against her/him. Speak for those others that “you” hurt, offer their forgiveness as well. It really does work in absentia, in spirit if not in the flesh.

Does all this mean you will never transgress again? Of course not, because we are human. But we have a choice. We can either permit all that guilt to eat us alive and prevent us from having an enjoyable life, or we can forgive ourselves for what cannot be undone and get on with life.

You bet I’ve done things I wish I hadn’t done, or that hurt other people, and I’m sure I’ll probably do it again. In the meantime, I don’t let it ruin my life. I can’t undo it, and in most instances, my life turned out better once I let go of it. The Higher Power in my life didn’t turn away from me in disgust, but rather said, “Okay, you’ve done this, you’ve chosen a path that might not have been the best. Let’s see what we can do next to make it turn out better after all.” In other words, I was given another chance to do something good with my life.

Letting false guilt take hold of my life is a rather selfish and arrogant way to live. When I get outside of myself, when I stop feeling sorry for myself, or punishing myself, I can do much more good in the world for others. I can take in more love because my heart is not clogged up with “guilt.”

Who Wears The Pants In This House?

The notion of who in “in charge” with any relationship can be a sticky one. That needs to be decided by the two or three (or more) who share a home. I’m not here to give you the ultimate answer to that, although you probably figured out I have my own perspective and prejudices.

Fortunately we live in an era where we can make that choice. There was a time when it was decided for us. Men were Head of Household with no questions asked, and I believe that many men are sorry they gave up that position. Women were the “wee wife” without any thought to her opinions, although I suspect men did heed the words of their wives more than they wanted to admit.

Today, there are women who are ready to give some of that authority back to men. That varies from relationship to relationship, of course. There are times when the woman who wants to totally commit to being the more submissive wife/partner finds the perfect mate, who wants to be the more dominant partner. Reading the blog of one husband who expresses his delight with his submissive wife, I get a feel for the needs they meet for each other.

On the other end of the spectrum is the home that is completely led by the female. This is not uncommon and I’ve been the dominant one in that sort of household several times. I have to say that it didn’t feel good. I didn’t want that role, never sought it out, and resented it. Perhaps that’s one reason both marriages ended up in divorce, even though there were many good aspects to both. The problem is that I didn’t know what I was looking for – really didn’t know what was missing.

I discovered “Frank Discussion” online after my first marriage. Somehow I fell into a second marriage that put me in the dominant role again. When I finally left that marriage, I actively sought out a happy medium, and found what I’d been looking for all along. I am now with a man who is on the same level with me intellectually and wanting the type of relationship we both seek, yet he doesn’t allow me to run over him. We work together, make plans together, ask opinions of the other, but when it comes down to the final decision making, he does it.

It all boils down to one word – TRUST. If I don’t trust a man to make decisions that are in my own best interests, then how can I trust him with my body or my life? He readily admits when he makes mistakes, and he listens to my reasons for what I do or don’t do. He makes suggestions, and they are always sound. There is almost nothing I do without his input.

I mentioned that to a dear friend recently. She was shocked that I would enter into that sort of relationship. She said, “But that’s going back to traditional marriage!” Perhaps, but I like to think it’s moving forward rather than reverting. Ours is not a “Father Knows Best” kind of thing, but in any relationship someone needs to have the ultimate decision-making power. I still make decisions about my work, my home, my life in most respects. His ideas meshing with mine make for a peaceful and prosperous life for us both.

Just recently, he was not happy with the fact that I wasn’t taking time to rest in the afternoons. In his words, “I consider it the height of undisciplined behaviour.” I got the message, and have started structuring naps into my afternoon schedule – not merely because he is the Head of our Household, but because I know he’s right.

I’m using myself as an example in this post. I’m as much of a radical feminist as you’d ever meet, but it’s been wonderful to know that sometimes I can relax and let someone else take up the slack, make some decisions I hate to make. It’s been a conscious choice on my part. In the final analysis, it gives me more energy to do my work, and more free time to enjoy being with him.

And that can’t be all bad!