The Role of Fantasy

Last week I had fun thinking up a few combination fantasy locations. I’ve had some great comments from that post, and I have to admit that some of those ideas I wrote about were a bit titillating for me, too.

Questions always seem to come up about the role of fantasy in our lives, and whether it is a good idea to make our fantasies become reality. What a dull world this would be if we never fantasized, but what a dangerous world this could be if we actually acted out some of our fantasies.

Why do we fantasize? Is there some sort of psychological need in us that creates fantasies that we might never really want to happen? Fantasy is a safe way to release our culturally repressed tendencies, a way for certain hidden desires to emerge from within a moralistic society. It performs a therapeutic function.

The reasons for fantasy do not seem to be the same for both genders. I have read that men who fantasize generally do not have much of an actual sex life, if any. Women who fantasize, on the other hand, usually have a fairly active sex life. We women can come up with all sorts of stories to fan our fire into greater flame.

Women may fantasize about being raped (which does not mean they want to be, nor does it condone rape). In their minds, they get turned on about being seduced or attacked by someone they don’t know. The woman who has actually been raped will not have that fantasy again, if she ever did.

On Father’s Day, I talked about the fantasy some women have about being “Daddy’s Little Girl.” Some men fantasize about being Mommy’s or Daddy’s "Little Boy.”

One woman came to me as a client, saying she always fantasized about being the maid in someone’s home and that the master of the house always had his way with her, often spanking her for some misdeed. She thought maybe something was wrong with her, and I assured her she was quite normal.

Some women go beyond spanking and fantasize about being tied down and rendered helpless, and may have a partner who agrees to that sort of sexual play, complete with appropriate costuming. Along with that might come the fantasy of being flogged or whipped.

This could border on abuse if not entered into with caution and consent. In fact, the key for this type of fantasy play is “safe, sane, and consensual.” There are a number of books and websites where you can find more information, discuss the topic with others in “the scene,” explore your feelings, and so much more.

Years ago, I happened to run across an old book with a copyright of 1974, S-M The Last Taboo: A Study of SadoMasochism, by Gerald and Caroline Greene. My copy is well-worn, falling apart, and full of termite holes. Because it was written thirty-four years ago, I assumed it was no longer in print. On a fluke, I went to Amazon and found that there is a newer edition. The opening picture is the front cover of that edition.

The following link will take you to a page for the old edition, but if you scroll down just a little, you will see “also available in…” Click on the second line for the paperback (2nd Blue Moon Books Ed.) and it will take you to the page for the newer 2003 edition.

The Greene couple have done a thorough and fascinating study on this theme of Sado-Masochism, which I will refer to as “s-m.” Although my old copy does not have a bibliography, the text is full of cited quotes from scholastic authorities.

They have devoted one entire chapter to Havelock Ellis (1859-1939). Ellis covered this topic of s-m in many of his papers. One such was a “Love and Pain” monograph, clearly distinguishing between fantasy and reality. The Wikipedia article about him is erotic reading in itself.

Why do I have such a dearly loved moth-eaten book? I have to admit that whether or not I would ever enter into such a relationship, reading about it is exceedingly arousing for me. At times my imagination takes me to places of incomprehensible delight (blush).

The last 122 pages of their book is devoted to extracts from many books that had been censored at one time. According to the authors, “they mostly employ fantasy and are unashamed in their delight…” Those are the most worn pages in my old copy.

There are many books on this particular theme of s-m, but I want to recommend several books by John Warren, PhD. If you are interested in buying one, please click on these links.



May you enjoy all of these books on a lazy afternoon and be "unashamed in your delight!"

I blow you a kiss,
Fanny