'Til Death Do Us Part?

I have been asked by several readers to talk about adultery. Here are a few of my rambling thoughts on the topic. Please feel free to comment on your own views and/or experiences.

In almost everything I read, in most cultures, the woman is the one usually considered to have conducted a “criminal” act, even though both male and female adulterers are looked down on by their society. This carries the notion that the woman is “owned” by the man – and therefore any adultery on the part of the woman is a transgression against his ownership of his wife. That’s a big red flag for me before I even get going!

I have looked carefully for the basis of the word “adultery.” The word “adult” is a past participle of the Latin word for adolescent. So it means that as an adult, we have completed the act or phase of being an adolescent. But how does that fit in with the word “adultery?” That part has not become clear to me.

When anyone asks how I feel about adultery, my response is semi-complicated. Having been in that situation myself, and knowing many who are either in that situation now or have been in the past, I think there are more reasons than can ever be known.

Boredom? Yes, of course, that is one reason often given.

A spouse who is not fulfilling the marriage vows in the sexual arena? That could be a good reason.

Finding someone else with whom one is more compatible? That is quite often the case.

A need for more excitement? I don’t think this is quite the same as boredom, but for some it might be the need to feel “bombs bursting in air” again.

Feeling “fenced in?” There are many ways in which a person can feel this way.

Daily life of cleaning house, changing diapers, cooking, mowing the lawn, providing the family income, making repairs around the house, doing laundry, wiping up after someone else – all this and more can take its toll on both men and women.

Did we get married for this? Did I get a PhD in psychology to do all that? Where did the “romance” go over the years?

As someone who has done quite a bit of marriage counseling over the years, I begin to wonder why anyone marries in the first place. How can we possibly believe that this one person will make us happy for the rest of our lives?

Where is it written that while my spouse and I might be best friends right now, that in fifty years we will not only still be best friends, but better friends than we’ve ever been before? We can’t make that guarantee. All we can do is work at making it a good friendship while it lasts.

And I don’t buy “staying together for the children,” either. Your children know when the marriage isn’t what it should be, even if you never fight. The sparkle fades, and everyone knows it, even if you think you’ve hidden it well.

I’m not the only person who has wondered if we don’t need some sort of renewable contract in a marriage. Would five years be enough to know if you wanted to continue being with that other person? Ten years? How long?

I do know many couples have found that swinging, polyamory, or simply an open marriage have kept the primary relationship alive. That isn’t about “falling in love” with someone other than your spouse, but about adding that little bit of variety to what might otherwise be a monotonous life.

Couples need to be willing to get beyond telling time by how long it takes to get from point A to point B during sex. Couples need to actively seek a variety of ways to make sex (and life) more interesting.

On the other hand, I believe there are bona fide reasons why adultery should not be considered a “sin,” whatever that word means to you. An alcoholic or addicted spouse, or a spouse who refuses to have any kind of intimacy (physical or emotional) would be two of those reasons. There are others, I’m sure.

Who has done the cheating in these cases? Is it the spouse who has cheated the other half of the partnership out of having a good marriage? Or is it the spouse who finally starts taking care of him/herself by taking on a lover?

There is no easy answer to the question of adultery. Maybe we should all become Eskimos and lend our spouse to someone else occasionally as an act of hospitality!


I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny

P.S. A lawyer friend just wrote to say that he thinks a man in skirts is very masculine. I hope this is the end of that particular discussion.

Men in Skirts Summary

I want to begin this post by saying that it is NOT a "Family Friendly" site. I will repeat that later in the post, but it was never intended to be read by anyone under 18.

That being said, a few weeks ago, I wrote about men in skirts and how attractive I find it. In that post, I had a picture of one man who was lifting his Utilikit to show how the kilt (or skirt) is worn traditionally.

I was surprised at the stir over a man’s bottom, when we can see men’s bottoms in all sorts of other places – and I’m not referring to pornographic magazines. There are movies that allow men to be nude in the context of the story (in locker room scenes, for example), so I don’t know what the big deal is about it.

So two weeks ago, I opened it up for comments and in that post, I gave the one comment that created the fuss, but here it is again in case you don’t want to take time to read it on the original post.

(Editorial note: I have left punctuation and spelling on all of these comments as they were when they arrived. No attempt has been made to edit at all.)

Please tell me why you have to show off the mans backside?
For me - a man
that loves skirts instead of pants - this picture puts it all in a bad light and
pushes the thoughts of men in skirts as gay.
This is not an adult only site
and really shouldn't show such images.
The support to men in skirts is
harmed by this.

I want to print some of the comments I received here. They can be read in the “comment” section, but most people don’t bother to check there.

The first comment to come in said:

1. Showing off someone's buns is hardly "adults only," and doesn't this site say
for those over 18?
2. How does showing off someone's buns come across as
gay?
3. Wouldn't this actually be--statistically--more likely to be
attractive to women?
4. Even if it were to be construed as "gay," how does
that put men in skirts in a bad light?
5. Is gay bad?
6. Can only
straight men wear skirts?
7. And, finally...where's his sense of humor?????

Some comments came in via email so those were not designed to be public, but here are a couple more comments that present interesting perspectives.

as a skirt & kilt wearing male, i feel i have to address this.

first off: i'm 50, hetero, married with kids. i don't try to present myself as female, but many items of "female" clothing are fun. my co-workers have no doubts as to my preferences, but i don't push anything onto anybody.

now, the photo of that guy's butt? humorous but potentially offensive. this is YOUR forum/blog/whatever, so you can put on it what you wish. i wouldn't feel any different if it was a female butt of similar age & condition. i could do without it, thank you very much.

skirts being "gay"?

when was the last time you saw a gay man in a skirt? unless they are doing "drag" (and then they are in FULL female hootchie regalia) most men won't wear a skirt. gay or straight. if anything, gay men may be even more conservative in their clothing. many will avoid anything that might "out" them INADVERTANTLY.

incidently, the flashing of one's butt is fairly common amongst kilt-wearers. going "regimental" (no underwear) is one of the points some would say is actually required of kilting. flashing becomes a humorous punctuation to some conversations or situations.

One comment:

I was surprised at the reaction of [Imadude] to the picture of a mans bum! and the assumption that because a guy is showing his backside he must be gay. This is almost as presumptive as those who think a man in a skirt must be gay. Some are, some ain't. it is a simple as that. Anyway, what if he is gay? How does that do a diservice to the cause?
I am sorry but I have to disagree with the inference that it puts us male skirt wearers in a bad light. A regular drunken saturday night prank here in the town centres is for "straight macho" guys to wave their bums at the security cameras, If you suggested to them they were gay, you would be on your way to casualty!.
There is an image of The kilted colour sergeant with his kilt blown up and his bum on show for all the world to see, all over the web, Has he suddenly put back our cause? or turned gay?.
I see you say you are a fellow wearer of skirts, and for that I applaud you, we need more men to try them and be seen wearing them and then perhaps western society will be more accepting of us.
As for adult content, apart from the fact that we all have a bum and we have all seen a bum, so I would hardly rate that as adult content, if you look at the links on the side bars, going to such things as spanking and female stimulation, then a bare bottom should not come as a surprise.
Radiostar.

Then another:

After posting thoughts on the comment by "Im a dube", I began to think some more about the assertion that the picture of a guys backside was showing men in skirts, in a bad light.
Then it occured to me, that I had signed mine as anonymous, mainly because I am not a registered user of this system. So I have come to the decision that what could put us in a bad light is the pseudonyms, Handles, Nicknames etc. WHAT are we trying to hide?
Secrecy is the problem. Tell the world you wear a skirt sometimes.
The more that do, the more mainstream it will be.
So the earlier post signed Radiostar, is by me, My name is Tim Stannard and I live in the north of England, sometimes on a warm summers day, I will wear a skirt, or a Sarong, I own two Utilikilts. So instead of critisising from behind the fence,Stand up and be counted.
Tim aka Radiostar

Here is what Fanny’s site states at the top. You can read it, of course, but let me repeat it here:

This blog is not intended for anyone under the age of 18. It contains no pictures of nudity, only words of advice and encouragement to adults who seek information. If you are under 18, please go play somewhere else.

I do not consider a glimpse of a bum to be pornographic. I had the gentleman’s consent to show this particular photo, and I did not show his face, at his request. I made no lewd remarks about the view, but suggested that a cold wind might flip up the kilt and make it uncomfortable when worn the way it is designed to be worn.

Wearing skirts has nothing to do with being gay, just as wearing trousers does not make me a lesbian. It is more comfortable for me to wear long pants, especially when I teach. If a skirt is more comfortable for a man, I see no reason for him not to wear one. His anatomy lends itself more to a skirt anyway, in case no one has noticed!

There is nothing at all that says “gay” to me when a man wears a skirt. And so what if he is gay? Skirts for men are cultural, worn by many more people than the Scots. I agree with the gentleman who asked “Where’s his sense of humor?”

If all anyone saw was the bare bum, then the point of the post was missed entirely. I still think a man wearing a skirt can be sexy and attractive. I’d love to hear from other women about this – not just the men!

One person wrote “Up with kilts! Down with Trousers!” I’ll go for that! (big wink)

I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny