Sex Addiction - Is It Real?

The posts you have read here are honest yet a bit casual and sometimes humorous, if not tongue-in-cheek. I probably should post from my own professional background, but I choose not to because I want this blog to be more fun than serious.

Lately, there have been more serious questions that I feel a strong need to address here. The topic for today is "sex as an addiction."

Can there be such a thing?

Sex addiction is not like other addictions where a person must remain abstinent from the drug of choice. It’s more like food addiction. We cannot abstain from food or we will eventually die. A food addict learns portion control, when to recognize true hunger, and other means of breaking the addiction.

Now I’m fairly certain we won’t die if we don’t have sex, but I do believe sex is a Divine Gift to each human being. The normal desire for sex permits us to play with it joyfully, experiment with it, make babies with it, relax with it – you name it. Some even use it for physical fitness.

Sex can be romantic or a bit naughty (I like more than a bit), yet too often sex is used as a weapon, either as an aggressive act like rape, or withdrawal as punishment and control over another person.

So what do we mean by a sex addiction? I would be concerned if a person had absolutely no interest in sex. This site identifies sex addiction as a “progressive intimacy disorder, characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts.”

There are many books that address recovery, but few address sexual addiction. One I have found helpful in my practice is The Good Sex Book: Recovering and Discovering Your Sexual Self, by Sherry Sedgwick, M.E., AASECT, CADAC. There is a saying in recovery circles: “We are as sick as our secrets.” Therefore, says Sedgwick, addiction to alcohol and other drugs (AOD), is often associated with sexual dysfunction – we call that “acting out.”



“Sex addiction” is not the same as “sex and love addiction.” A person can be addicted to sex to the point of compulsive masturbation, sex only with prostitutes (male or female), voyeurism, exhibitionism, sex with minors, obscene phone calls. This does not ordinarily involve “love.” See Sex Addicts Anonymous for a clearer understanding. There is even a set of questions designed to assess your level of sexual interest.

I think what most people are asking me about is not sex addiction, per se. I believe these questions come from a point of feeling addicted to a relationship. Go to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. They have a comprehensive questionnaire to find out if you would diagnose yourself as a sex and love addict.

I’ve been there with relationships, and I know that feeling. We believe we cannot live without that other person, there will never be someone quite like that other person, we give up our normal and personal activities for the other person, we feel incomplete without that other person – or ANY other person! There is an intense craving! We cry a lot, we smoke too many cigarettes, we drink too much, we stalk - we act out in many unhealthy ways.

The following poem is one I wrote years ago when I found myself in that mental state.

I want to be with you
Everyday
To sleep with you beside
the stream
To protect you from
the wind
To keep you warm and
relaxed
I ask nothing but love in return,
and to be with you
every day.
It is too much to ask.

Next week, I will continue this topic with a discussion on Co-dependency and Relationship Addiction. In the meantime, peruse the websites above and see where they take you.

I blow you a kiss,

Fanny

Sexy Accessories for Men

Last week, I gave a sampling of just a few of the sexiest accessories for women. This week it’s time for the guys to get in on the act. I realize that for both men and women, the final judgment is relative to sexual orientation. That doesn’t mean we don’t each change from time to time. The most ardent hetero- or homo-sexual person can see something sexually exciting about a person of the same or opposite sex at times.

So since I’m not a guy (last time I looked), I can’t tell you what a guy thinks is his sexiest accessory, but I can tell you what I’ve heard men say, what I’ve read that men write, and what I see from a woman’s perspective.

I’d love to hear what men consider to be their sexiest accessory. From the outside looking in, it seems that men believe well-defined muscle and six-pack abs are “it.” Or maybe it’s the haircut.
One gay male friend wrote what was attractive for him. “It is often the lower abdomen, also the shape of their full torso (shoulders through butt) – I like a kidney bean shape... also like European shape or Asian shape as opposed to a V torso, he-man type...I like androgynous male shapes.”

Cowboys in tight jeans and boots, U.S. Navy uniforms (or uniforms in general), aloha shirts and shorts or surfer pants, three-piece suits – any of these styles of dress can be specific turn-ons for some. Physical items of interest to men and women I’ve talked with can be either a little hair on the chest or a lot, facial hair or no facial hair, wavy hair or no hair at all, sensuous lips, bedroom eyes. I remember falling for a rather handsome guy in high school who had a scar across his cheek, which made him look sexier than ever.

What about their undies? Some guys wear thongs, some wear boxers, or tightie whities, or black briefs. I’m more of a boxer girl, myself, but I mostly like the vision of a man with nothing on at all below the waist, but I guess men feel they need something to protect the “jewels” or to keep them from flopping.

Cleanliness is a virtue, but sometimes a good musky smell is very sexy. There is a difference between that gross never-take-a-shower B.O. and good honest sweat from a man’s laboring or working out. I love the smell of my own man, and I tell him so. It’s a major turn-on for me.

I asked my own lover what he considers to be his sexiest attribute or accessory, and he replied that it was his desire for perfection in sex for his partner. That was a very sweet thing for him to say. I know he does try to please me sexually above all else. He tries very hard (ahem) to make it perfect for me, but HE is perfect and shouldn’t try so hard.

My response to him was that for me, his personality and intelligence rise above everything else, even though other physical attributes he has are attractive to me.

Being turned on by brains doesn’t mean that (in the past) I haven’t had wild and crazy sex with someone who had the personality of a doornail and the intelligence of a slug (maybe even less). So what did they have?? Well, I’ll leave that part to your imagination (blush)

Okay, men – it’s your turn to tell me what you think makes you sexy! It may not be at all what you think.