Sex Addiction - Is It Real?

The posts you have read here are honest yet a bit casual and sometimes humorous, if not tongue-in-cheek. I probably should post from my own professional background, but I choose not to because I want this blog to be more fun than serious.

Lately, there have been more serious questions that I feel a strong need to address here. The topic for today is "sex as an addiction."

Can there be such a thing?

Sex addiction is not like other addictions where a person must remain abstinent from the drug of choice. It’s more like food addiction. We cannot abstain from food or we will eventually die. A food addict learns portion control, when to recognize true hunger, and other means of breaking the addiction.

Now I’m fairly certain we won’t die if we don’t have sex, but I do believe sex is a Divine Gift to each human being. The normal desire for sex permits us to play with it joyfully, experiment with it, make babies with it, relax with it – you name it. Some even use it for physical fitness.

Sex can be romantic or a bit naughty (I like more than a bit), yet too often sex is used as a weapon, either as an aggressive act like rape, or withdrawal as punishment and control over another person.

So what do we mean by a sex addiction? I would be concerned if a person had absolutely no interest in sex. This site identifies sex addiction as a “progressive intimacy disorder, characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts.”

There are many books that address recovery, but few address sexual addiction. One I have found helpful in my practice is The Good Sex Book: Recovering and Discovering Your Sexual Self, by Sherry Sedgwick, M.E., AASECT, CADAC. There is a saying in recovery circles: “We are as sick as our secrets.” Therefore, says Sedgwick, addiction to alcohol and other drugs (AOD), is often associated with sexual dysfunction – we call that “acting out.”



“Sex addiction” is not the same as “sex and love addiction.” A person can be addicted to sex to the point of compulsive masturbation, sex only with prostitutes (male or female), voyeurism, exhibitionism, sex with minors, obscene phone calls. This does not ordinarily involve “love.” See Sex Addicts Anonymous for a clearer understanding. There is even a set of questions designed to assess your level of sexual interest.

I think what most people are asking me about is not sex addiction, per se. I believe these questions come from a point of feeling addicted to a relationship. Go to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. They have a comprehensive questionnaire to find out if you would diagnose yourself as a sex and love addict.

I’ve been there with relationships, and I know that feeling. We believe we cannot live without that other person, there will never be someone quite like that other person, we give up our normal and personal activities for the other person, we feel incomplete without that other person – or ANY other person! There is an intense craving! We cry a lot, we smoke too many cigarettes, we drink too much, we stalk - we act out in many unhealthy ways.

The following poem is one I wrote years ago when I found myself in that mental state.

I want to be with you
Everyday
To sleep with you beside
the stream
To protect you from
the wind
To keep you warm and
relaxed
I ask nothing but love in return,
and to be with you
every day.
It is too much to ask.

Next week, I will continue this topic with a discussion on Co-dependency and Relationship Addiction. In the meantime, peruse the websites above and see where they take you.

I blow you a kiss,

Fanny