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I have been asked by several readers to talk about adultery. Here are a few of my rambling thoughts on the topic. Please feel free to comment on your own views and/or experiences.
In almost everything I read, in most cultures, the woman is the one usually considered to have conducted a “criminal” act, even though both male and female adulterers are looked down on by their society. This carries the notion that the woman is “owned” by the man – and therefore any adultery on the part of the woman is a transgression against his ownership of his wife. That’s a big red flag for me before I even get going!
I have looked carefully for the basis of the word “adultery.” The word “adult” is a past participle of the Latin word for adolescent. So it means that as an adult, we have completed the act or phase of being an adolescent. But how does that fit in with the word “adultery?” That part has not become clear to me.
When anyone asks how I feel about adultery, my response is semi-complicated. Having been in that situation myself, and knowing many who are either in that situation now or have been in the past, I think there are more reasons than can ever be known.
Boredom? Yes, of course, that is one reason often given.
A spouse who is not fulfilling the marriage vows in the sexual arena? That could be a good reason.
Finding someone else with whom one is more compatible? That is quite often the case.
A need for more excitement? I don’t think this is quite the same as boredom, but for some it might be the need to feel “bombs bursting in air” again.
Feeling “fenced in?” There are many ways in which a person can feel this way.
Daily life of cleaning house, changing diapers, cooking, mowing the lawn, providing the family income, making repairs around the house, doing laundry, wiping up after someone else – all this and more can take its toll on both men and women.
Did we get married for this? Did I get a PhD in psychology to do all that? Where did the “romance” go over the years?
As someone who has done quite a bit of marriage counseling over the years, I begin to wonder why anyone marries in the first place. How can we possibly believe that this one person will make us happy for the rest of our lives?
Where is it written that while my spouse and I might be best friends right now, that in fifty years we will not only still be best friends, but better friends than we’ve ever been before? We can’t make that guarantee. All we can do is work at making it a good friendship while it lasts.
And I don’t buy “staying together for the children,” either. Your children know when the marriage isn’t what it should be, even if you never fight. The sparkle fades, and everyone knows it, even if you think you’ve hidden it well.
I’m not the only person who has wondered if we don’t need some sort of renewable contract in a marriage. Would five years be enough to know if you wanted to continue being with that other person? Ten years? How long?
I do know many couples have found that swinging, polyamory, or simply an open marriage have kept the primary relationship alive. That isn’t about “falling in love” with someone other than your spouse, but about adding that little bit of variety to what might otherwise be a monotonous life.
Couples need to be willing to get beyond telling time by how long it takes to get from point A to point B during sex. Couples need to actively seek a variety of ways to make sex (and life) more interesting.
On the other hand, I believe there are bona fide reasons why adultery should not be considered a “sin,” whatever that word means to you. An alcoholic or addicted spouse, or a spouse who refuses to have any kind of intimacy (physical or emotional) would be two of those reasons. There are others, I’m sure.
Who has done the cheating in these cases? Is it the spouse who has cheated the other half of the partnership out of having a good marriage? Or is it the spouse who finally starts taking care of him/herself by taking on a lover?
There is no easy answer to the question of adultery. Maybe we should all become Eskimos and lend our spouse to someone else occasionally as an act of hospitality!
I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny
P.S. A lawyer friend just wrote to say that he thinks a man in skirts is very masculine. I hope this is the end of that particular discussion.
3 comments:
I would add another motivation for committing adultery - -
In such a severely youth-oriented culture as ours, both men and women get obsessed with the fear of being unattractive, over-the-hill, as they age. Fear of losing capacity and options for sex may drive the quest to gain affirmation that one is still, after all, able to perform and desirable to someone else.
It would be interesting to know the implications of adultery in those who accept and embrace aging versus those who do not. I would speculate that many of both groups will eventually seek sex outside of their marriages, but with rather different notions of the meaning of it in terms of betrayal, sin, etc. Fear and self-doubt drives the upset meter that impedes growth and understanding. Or so I'd say . . .
What you wrote about adultery "hit home" with me. I have believed for quite some time that my wife cheated me, the same as if she cheated on me. I was denied the physical relationship I needed. You undertand that!
I think, too, that your points about boredom, about excitement, about....well, about everything you wrote, are well made and are important points. Years go an acquaintance once told me that he thought most men AND most women, committed adultery out of a need to feel adequate--that is, a need to feel attractive to the opposite sex, or, perhaps a need to believe he/she could still attract someone for sexual reasons. Well, yes. Maybe. But I thought that begged the question. THE question, I thought and still think, was/is why should one have that feeling of inadequacy if one's spouse/significant other was there for you, with you, in you, on you. I don't think men or women feel inadequate without reason--assuming that a feeling of inadequacy is a reason at all for enaging in an adulterous relationship (Note that I did not say "a reason for COMMITTING adultery. "Commiting adultery" carries the opprobrium of "sin." I do not accept that adultery is "sin." Since I do not believe in a personal god, I leave feelings of "sin" to others to sort out.)
I've gone on way too long and I apologize to you for that. I just want to thank you for a wonderful article.
Thank you both for your comments! I agree that there are many motivations for adultery. And I don't even like the word itself because it carries too many negative connotations.
I also believe that there is more than one person in the world we can love and sometimes we find that other person, whether we are looking or not. So whatever has happened in the primary relationship to kill the love that was there initially has left the field wide open for another person to step in and fill the gap.
I blow you a kiss ~ ~ ~
Fanny
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